Living Expecting the Unexpected.

I talked a little about the discipline of praying without ceasing yesterday. What I didn't talk about was the hard part of it all... expecting an answer and then trusting Him with what He says. That is something I'm not very good at, at least not yet.

I'm a planner. It's engrained in my being to work towards making the next thing happen. I've been accused at times (whether right or wrong) at being discontent and driven. Those seem so very negative to me. I see myself (whether right or wrong) as more in the determined category. I know that hard work can get you there and sometimes you have to plow through and get it done, even if it's exhausting, even if it leaves you feeling powerless, and yes, even if you don't get the results you want. That's just me. And I think it has served me...and our family well as I've had to push through some hard stuff in my life... pastoring a congregation while going through the personal trial of infertility... the whole adoption process with how out of my hands it was... moving away from all the people who knew me well and making a new life in a new country with a new husband... those things and many more, are well, examples of my determination to make something happen, move forward, sometimes with costs, but always with good intent.

So that's me. I'm a planner. But this praying thing and sitting back and letting God work it out, and then accepting HIS answer and THE answer, in spite of wanting another way... well, that's a new thing... and new way of thinking, and takes a new style of determination to make it happen. Being hands off and letting Him have control is not natural for me (for anyone???) so this praying expectantly is tough work.

Seek the Lord while he may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near;

Let the wicked forsake their way,
And let the unrighteous their thoughts;
Let them return to the LORD, that He may have mercy upon them,
and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are my ways your ways, says the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways
And my thoughts than your thoughts.

~ Isaiah 55: 6-9 (NRSV)

Wowzers. Here He says directly to me,

Tammy, I love you, and I made you a determined woman. And I am grateful, my dear child, that you work so hard, coming alongside me, never giving up when trials hit, always working through

But Tammy, remember this... You don't know it all. And you don't have to know it all. Tell me what you need. I'll deal with it. Pray. Relate to me. Let's get to know each other better by talking together.

And I promise, if you let me, I'll give you MORE than what you can even imagine in our beautifully created, but woefully human mind. You pray. I'll answer and Tammy, you can't imagine... you CANNOT imagine what I have in store for you. You don't think like I think. I see it all...hear it all...feel it all. I know your needs better than you do. And I will do even more than what you ask. You may not expect it, and you may not understand , but 'my ways are not your ways...my thoughts are not your thoughts'.

Tammy, put aside the ways you take over and do things your way. Let me answer in my own time, by my own way, and I promise that 'I will have mercy on you. I promise. All you have to do is pray. And expect the unexpected.

I love you, oh Child of Mine.

Your Heavenly Father

Oh, what a comforting way to live. But wow... it's hard. It's hard to let go and walk this way without pushing or prodding or trying to figure it all out. But hopefully, I'm savoring the process, knowing that God has it figured out so I don't have to. I just have to let him answer His way and expect the unexpected.

Pray First.

This is my new thing... and wow, is it ever a discipline to do. I've never been good at the "up early, down on your knees, formal" kind of praying. I get all guilt-ridden over my inability to stay awake or even know what to say except the "God bless so and so" or the "God help..." So what I'm doing is praying myself to sleep. Between that and praying through my Little Man's temper tantrums or for peace when it's all too much, well, it is amazing how God puts people on my heart in the middle of the night.

You see, I don't sleep all that well for a whole lot of reasons. So I find myself falling asleep, and often. So I pray as I fall to sleep... counting my blessings, asking expectantly, offering gratitude, pouring out my heart, asking healing on friends who are sick or dying or in depression, asking for guidance and wisdom, praising.

And it's working. It's becoming habit and that is what I long for more than anything, to be a woman who prays out of habit, not out of crisis. And in this time when my ministry role is behind the scenes... his wife, their mother... this HAS to be MY job.

So I pray. And then expect His answers, the ones He gives me, whatever the answers are, to be right... and right on time.

Pray without ceasing.

The Life of the Party and The Discipline of Celebration

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice!

~ Phil 4 ~

I've been working through John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted recently and I have to say that maybe, finally some of it is sinking in. I put it that way because this is my third, maybe even fourth time through the book. The general gist of the book is about practicing Christianity and the disciplines that go with it. Only Pastor Ortberg's take on things is so gentle, one can actually see the possible benefits of the "disciplines" and how they can make a different in growing stronger in a relationship with Christ.

I shared on You Just Never Know (for those who may be finding this blog first, it's my home, where I've been writing and my life and hope for 2 1/2 years now) about an experiment on this discipline I did just last night. It started out as an attempt to understand my dear, precious 3 1/2 year old daughter better, and turned into me recognizing that most of the time, my mind and heart doesn't automatically turn to joy anymore, not like it used to. I guess I've let the hard things become my focus and not the joy that almost always surrounds the tough times of life, if in fact, we are willing to consider that maybe, just maybe there might be something to look at in the sky besides the black hole of heartache. There's lotto stars out there I say...Why not look at them?

And that experience of last eve brought back to mind this chapter of Pastor Ortberg's book, the discipline he actually speaks of first, that of Celebration. Celebration as discipline? What in the...???? Yeah, that's what I thought. My first thought when I saw the title the first time around was more like "hey, I work hard to stay disciplined so that I could get things done otherwise my leanings towards being a girl who just wants to have fun would take over. House would be a mess. Kids would be dirty and unclothed. Bills wouldn't get paid. And on and on and on... Discipline Baby. Not the party.

But wait... if the words of Paul that I've quoted at the beginning of this post are truly ordained from the mouth of God then... what in the world is wrong with a little joy around?

That is the ultimate question. Pastor Ortberg quotes Lewis Smedes, another favorite author saying this:

To miss out on joy is to miss out on the reason for your existence.

Wow. Um, pretty blunt. I'm not existing as the human I was created to be if I'm not experiencing joy. Wow. That hurts.

But why does it hurt? Mostly maybe because if I am to believe that I was created to be a joyful person, then why all the heartache, grief and pain that is a part of being human as well? If joy is IT, then why make it hard to experience it?

Ortberg even goes on to say very plainly that "joylessness is a SERIOUS sin" and the one that is most often tolerated by the church. That too, big OUCH. If experiencing joy is the reason I exist and is in fact, the most serious of sins, then why does it seem so elusive?

My answer is one that honestly, is pretty tough to admit. Truth is, maybe I don't experience much joy in my life (and believe me, God has given me a multitude of wonderful blessings to celebrate) is because I have made my grief and pain a trophy. Instead of celebrating God's goodness and his strength to lift me up through all the tough stuff, I want to hang on without help so I have something to complain about, something to hold up and say "here, look at me...I hurt! Or... lookie here, you hurt me!" And sometimes the grief trophy is thrust towards heaven with shouts to God of "YOU DO THIS TO ME!!! And I'm gonna stay mad at you for as long as I like, thank you very much!"

Don't get me wrong. Pain is real. Loss is real. And it hurts on so many levels and we do have to grieve for it all. We have to feel it. But for me, I've broken down in the middle of it all, and most of the time, even if it's not intentional because I'm not looking back at God with eyes wide open...I only see the shadows around the heaviness that clouds my true vision, I don't much further that to see the pain, and not the joy that surrounds the whole of the experience of living on this earth as a child of God.

I've lived for a long time believing that for the most part, every experience in life has two sides. At least in my life. And right now, and in the last several months (or dare I say years...ouch once more...) I've lived focusing not on the sweet, only the bitter. I have lived saddened by the experiences I have thought were withheld or the prayers I have deemed unanswered instead of rejoicing in the very experiences and answered prayers that have given my the pile of blessings, two of who are napping snug in their wee beds right now, another on a rooftop somewhere earning a living and .... (on and on... you get the picture... I'll have to save for another day the "count your blessings" post!)

Joy is necessary and I need to take the practice of it VERY seriously. I need to be disciplined about basking in the joy of each situation, arrange my life so that my joy is my strength and the joy of the Lord overwhelms me with power.

And I need to start now. I need to live knowing that the situation of my life, hard as it may or may not be by anyone's standards may not change for awhile, or ever. We may not ever feel settled. I may not ever be able to live a day without pain in my body. But I'm alive today. And from somewhere... Lord, help me, and that is a prayer... has to come a defiant spirit that says "I will live in joy, not sadness. I will experience joy, not resentment. I will make room for joy, not let the joy of any experience pass me by... I will..."

This is the day that the Lord has made.
I will rejoice and be glad in it.
~ Psalm 118:24 ~

Celebrate.
Starting Now.

Well... I've already tried it today. It was a disciplined act but I did it anyway. This morning, I'm mopping the floor. Gotta have a clean floor you know. Kids are not happy because Momma is mopping the floor. And all the while, trying to get lunch going. Then Bug hollers, "look Momma a bird!" In a split decision I made a decision to go, be with her, and look at the bird. It was a blue bird, one that has been back and forth from our front to backyard from early Spring. Beautiful. And now that the trees are bare, she can't hide from us. We sat there together at the front window for a couple minutes, just watching the bird, silently watching together. Then she flew away and I said "where is she going". And Bug said, "I'm sure she has to go get lunch ready. Or maybe mop the floor." Gulp...sigh...that's what Momma bird's do I guess, in Bug's eyes. So this Momma Bird has decided to slow down when she can and just be with her Baby Birds. And celebrate their lives with them.

Celebrate.
Starting Now.