Saturday, December 13, 2008

Part of Her.

In these moments of losing myself in the Mary's joy at the hope of becoming a mother, I've sort of lost myself. I've contemplated over and over what it must feel like to know the pure joy of that time, when you're anticipating the possibilities of what THIS child will bring to your family. I knew that f feeling or a very short period, many years ago. During those weeks of pregnancy, though too few, Hubby and I did alot of dreaming. We had waited for this child, and prayed and hoped and we knew that our prayers were answered. And since it was early on in our journey, and we had followed the doctor-guided steps, endured it all, to get us to this miracle, we basked in it. We weren't worried about what might happen. We trusted, although it might seem without ultimate naivete, that this child would be in our arms, and we waited joyously, secretly and dreamed of what life would be like. We dreamed that if he were a boy, he would have my deep brown eyes and Hubby's curly hair, and we'd let his hair grow to see if it was true. If she were a girl, we dreamed of my bubbly grin and blonde hair, his gentle smile and hazel eyes. We dreamed, about the possibilities of what our child might be like, the intermingling of us together, of our love, of our joy, of His promise.

And as I thought about our Jamie-Noel this week (all the while parenting the two miracles that have joined our family through amazing miracles as well, in the last five years) it's been intertwined with thoughts of Mary and how she might feel anticipating the birth of her son, of God's Son. How would that feel to know you were chosen by God for this special purpose? Would it leave you breathless, or would you just know that God is Good and knew what was best, and well this is life. I can't imagine the just knowing, but maybe she did. I mean, she was visited by an angel and all. Maybe in that revelation came assurance. I've never felt God's assurance of my role as a mother until all was said and done, until the child was born, and papers were signed and we knew for certain our children would never leave. Did she know certainty? Maybe she did.

But then, maybe she didn't. I don't know if she fully realized what was ahead of her, or took things at face value, or even whether or not she was able to enjoy her pregnancy and the fact, that God's child was in her, that she was the caregiver for His Magnificent Gift to the world. I'm trying to understand from my human perspective ~ afterall, Mary is only human too ~ as someone who has longed most of her life to know the joy of pregnancy and all that comes with it. I can imagine that she embraced it, loved her child like any other mother would.

Did she say her words of praise with the joy of knowing of the life within, or did she, like the rest of us who long for His Birth, who anticipate the celebration of This Child, God With Us, born, di she wait and not fully realize until she saw His gentle baby face and heard his coos and cries that blessed night in a cave outside Bethlehem. Did she know before, or like the rest of us, wait and see and then believe?

When did she come to realize fully ~ as in more than from the words of the angel but in the seeping into her soul ~ that not only was Her Child hers to hold and love and care for, but He was God's Child. He was hers and her soon-to-be husband's child here on earth, but He was also a God's as well.

Bed of Hay, Earthen floor
Strangers walk through the door
I wanted much more for You
Look at Him, can't you tell
All is fine, All is well
And the Word of the Angel is true

He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of heaven
He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of heaven

By my side every day
Underfoot and in my way
Give me wisdom, I pray, O Lord
He is ours for awhile
Every tear and every smile
Till He's everyone's Child to adore

He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of heaven
He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of Heaven

~ from the CD This Gift by Gary Chapman
(c) 1992, lyrics by Thom Schuyler/Music by Craig Bickhardt

I heard this song this morning while baking a cake and it hit me in an eerily roundabout way. Jamie-Noel, my precious baby lost, the one I've spent so much time dreaming of, was not only mine, but God's child. And she is where He wants her to be right now. And there's peace in knowing that.

And these two precious loves that I hold and love and care for each day are also His. And He chose me, in a very roundabout way, to be their Momma here on earth. He chose me to be their Momma through all sorts of hard circumstances both in my life and the life of others we love. No, God did not intent them to be my children to raise, but another mothers in the beginning. But then, in the end, God having to send His Only Son to the world, into a manger no less, to live and then to endure the cross, well, I believe that was not God's first plan, but one by His Grace put into place when we fell so hard in our Eden, away from what He really wanted for us.

And just like Mary, I am mother as God's second, albeit equally important, plan. These children are a part of me, and their Daddy, and their other parents, and... God.

And just like Mary, we have been chosen to raise these children to carry out God's plan for the world, in a different way of course, but each one of them, still the hands and feet of Jesus to a world dying in their own Eden. Don't get me wrong... I'm no Mary. And my children are not God made human. But as believers, we have to start seeing ourselves as the extension of God's work made perfect through Christ's life and death and resurrection, or the power of the Gospel will be lost to the world.

Just like me, I can imagine it took Mary to physically see and touch her baby to really know Who He was. And my children, just like Jesus was to Mary, are here for only a little while, and are given into my care to prepare them for their purpose in the world. I pray I'm upto the task.

Heavenly Father ~ I am overwhelmed by the gift of Your Son to our world. And I am overwhelmed by how you chose to save me from all my lostness. Overwhelmed at the thought that your Son died for me. And overwhelmed by the task of all that you've called me to. May I know YOUR joy, the joy you intended for me, each and every day. I want to live always longing for more of you, and I pray for wisdom to know when You speak, I must act, both as I raise my family and as I share Christ through my own life. You have created us a part of you, and that overwhelms me too. Please God, let me know your Joy. Amen.

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