Speaking of Fear...

This series of posts has been in the works for a couple of years, really. For most of 2007 and early 2008, I spent an afternoon a week heading to see a Christian counselor in order to make sense of some of the things that had happened in my life. Regardless of how much faith I have in a "God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20), I struggle with an anger that sometimes scares me and often affects the most important relationships in my life.

And in this time of counseling, it became increasingly more clear that my anger had become a crutch to NOT deal with what was underneath.

Fear.

Fear was underneath.

Fear of an uncertain future.

Fear for my kid's health.

Fear for my family's well-being.

Fear for what hard thing would be coming my way next.

Fear.

Fear turned to an outpouring of anger that hurt those around me, and I couldn't...wouldn't let it keep happening. That time taught me so many things. Since my counselor was outwardly Christian, we could talk about how much of my anger was directed at God for fear of what HE would do next to us. The downside at times of being a follower of God is that you can grow to expect good things from him, and get lulled into the belief that obedience garners his favor. That surely if I am doing His work, with all that I've sacrificed to be His servant, surely his favor would be on us, and only good things would come our way.

And then they don't and unacknowledged disappointment can sometimes turn into a seething that breaks up the soul. And I was heading down that path, and it was plain scary. I could see life falling apart if I didn't get control ~ my first thought, although it was really healing and understanding I was looking for ~ of it... loss of relationship with the people I loved most ~ Hubby, my two precious kids, dear family, friends, even the God I serve ~ loss of comfort in not knowing myself, loss of hope for a future that has years of potential left, and so much more.

That seething... scary... sad... when faced to the truth that it was less about what I had felt others and God had done to me, but more about how fearful I was of the unknown that might be lurking around the next corner, or in the dark shadows ~ that seething became less my comfortable friend ~ living mad ~ and more the adversary I had to fight.

So I turned, as I have learned to do so many times in my life, but of course, fail to do often enough, to the Place with the Answers, my Bible, the Book where you can get to know God better to understand the "whys" and "whats" and other "w"s that mark the questioning life.

And in it I found word upon word and passage upon passage about what God thinks of fear. How God expects us to handle the fears we encounter in living in an uncertain world. And most importantly WHO GOD IS in the world and why that means we can live the fearless life.

Over and again, as I found hundreds* (literally!) of places where God addresses our fears, turth was revealed. In the end, fear, whether for my own safety or the safety of my family can be very real. But you can't live there. And even further, MOST of the time, my fear came from the possible growth that might happen if there were more hard circumstances to come in my life. I wanted to curl up and say "God, have we not done enough work in this area? What more do you ask of me?"

And in the end, the question, the only question that remained is this:

Do I not trust God, know him enough, to know he’s taking care of me?

His WORD reveals who He is to anyone who wants to know him. So what does the Bible ~ the whole of it ~ say about my fear, and who God is in the middle of a world that leaves me fearful. Who is God to me that I don’t have to fear?

After searching his Word to know God more it became clear that God doesn't just coddle us into trusting Him. He commands it. He demands us to trust him. And He ALWAYS says these things...

DO NOT FEAR.

Be strong.

Have courage.

Be still.

Know me.

Seek me.

Trust me.


In these commands lay the hope for my future, one not laced with anger and fear but with optimisim and joy. It is truthfully the way I've been striving to live these last many months. It is a journey of healing, of seeing His Light, and learning again how God does have my best in mind, even through the hard stuff.

The next several entries will be just a tasting of the many passages that brought God's truth about fear to light for me. I hope they do for you as well.

*My Scripture search was very basic and didn't require the Seminary degree I have (although that came in handy). I started on a personal prayer retreat, opening my Bible to the concordance and listing all the passages found there. And in reading those passages, I found cross-referenced passages that led me to more and more verses on the topic. This is for me, how I truly begin to know and understand God, not by staying in the main stream (although many of the passages I am choosing to outline in this series are main stream) but seeing the stuff in the lesser known corners of the Bible alongside the lauded and well-loved passages. That's just a hint of how you might go about doing your own study on a "topic" you need to hear from God about.

This one is whiny and not sacred at all.

We've been planning a get away, me and Hubby, to celebrate our tenth anniversary that happens on Friday. The best laid plans are what they are and now we're not going.

In the end, it's no big deal. It's just a trip. A tenth anniversary trip with my Beloved mind you, but sick kids come first and so we're staying home. And I'm a tad (read: uber) frustrated about it. You've probably been there, not realizing just how much you needed something to happen until it doesn't. I needed this. I needed rest. I needed time with Hubby. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I needed this trip, this separation from every day life for me. I have been fantasizing for weeks about walks in the harbor, fresh seafood, a drive up the coast, breakfast in bed among other things I won't talk about on my blog. I needed it.

And our trip isn't going to happen. Bug has a bug and it's a nasty one and although she seems to be better today, yesterday decided it for us. I know this is where I need to be, caring for my kids. I wouldn't have been able to relax knowing that they were somewhere else, in someone else's care while they are feeling bad (and I wouldn't want someone doing that to me) so that part is alright. I know this is what I signed up for becoming a Momma. And it's okay.

The part though about not catching a break is what gets me. It seems that this happens way too often in our lives, where there's always something complicated that happens to change the best-laid plans. I'm a planner by nature and I've talked about the frustration that comes from not being able to plan or plans being thwarted (and I'm working through some stuff I have yet to put to paper because I'm not ready, about how the uncertainty brings fear and that fear shows up in anger about all sorts of things). But I have been trying to look at things differently. I really have.

I read a few weeks ago some wise words from Oswald Chambers...

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is.

Now, Mr. Chambers is speaking about seeking God's will in future circumstances where you're asked to 'go out' without knowing. He's not talking about a canceled anniversary trip. But as I read this one thing hit me that I've been doing all along my journey... I've been shaking my fist at God, often angry because I don't understand what he is trying to do when things are hard and twisty and don't go as we hoped and prayed they would. I have been wondering what he was doing in the circumstances of my life.

But here it is... instead, I should be searching not for what he is DOING, but seeking after who God is revealing Himself to be in the middle of whatever situation I find myself. I won't say it's made things easier. Frankly it's alot easier to throw a fit and be mad that once again God didn't let me have my way. But there is solace in knowing one thing... I haven't done anything to 'deserve' the frustration (which has always been my first turn... what did I do wrong to deserve This?)... rather, I must seek for who God is as He walks with me and guides me through. That is a hard, new discipline, one that feels so very unfamiliar. It's not about what is happening, but who God is showing Himself to be in the middle of what is happening.

So I'm trying this. In the middle of tears this morning (and I'll admit in an attempt to get away from a whiny little man named Si) I went to my room and closed the door. And I prayed that God would reveal to me WHO He is in this, not WHY it is happening. I have to confess it hasn't stopped the tears, and I feel a sense of loss in all of this, but I know that God is WHO He is and that the rest of it shouldn't matter. So we hunker in for a few days of quarantine, me and the girl. And praying that the boy doesn't get this bug, or me or Hubby for that matter. As for the trip, who knows what we're being saved from... maybe nothing... but it is what it is and it is that my kiddos need me in this moment.

Cross posted at You Just Never Know

Lil Ole Me...

From Psalm 18...

For the choir director: A psalm of David, the servant of the LORD. He sang this song to the LORD on the day the LORD rescued him from all his enemies and from Saul. He sang:

I love you, LORD; you are my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.

I called on the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.

But in my distress I cried out to the LORD.
Yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary.
My cry to him reached his ears.

THEN...


The earth quaked and trembled.
The foundations of the mountains shook.
They quaked because of his anger.
Smoke poured from his nostrils.
Fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
Glowing coals blazed forth from him.
He opened the heavens and came down.
Dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.

The LORD thundered from heaven.
The voice of the Most High resounded amid the hail.
His lightning flashed... and then...

He reached down from heaven and rescued me.
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me.
He led me to a place of safety.
He rescued me because he delights in me.

Me? Lil ole me?
He sees my distress.
He hears my cries.
He comes thundering from heaven.
His brilliance breaks through the clouds. Lightning.

He reaches down from heaven and rescues me. Lil ole me.
He draws me out of the water.
He leads me to a safe place.
He rescues me. Lil ole me.

Because he delights in me. Lil ole me.