Finding Sacred in the Common Things

James 1

2011-04-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Letter of James is nothing if not direct. And good at it. And spot on. A few practical ways in the first chapter of this letter:

Consider it nothing but JOY.
Let endurance have its full effect
Ask God for wisdom
Ask in faith, and DON'T DOUBT.
Boast in God's raising up from my lowliness.
Don't be deceived. God is not tempting me.
Be quick to listen.
Be slow to speak.
Be slow to anger.
Rid self of all sordidness.
Welcome the Word.
Be Doer of the Word.
Care for orphans and widows.
Keep unstained by the world.

These are the priorities he outlines for his listeners. He addresses their circumstances and how to react to them. He addresses the Source from which they get understanding about their circumstances. He addresses practical ways of living in order to survive in their circumstances. That is chapter one.

Lenten Readings (March 13, 2011, Evening)

2011-03-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

I read the evening Psalm on my way to bed and had to post something this morning.

Psalm 103 is one of Thanksgiving for all that God has given, for His Goodness in the middle of it all, and is one of my favorites of all of David's Psalms.

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name!
Bless the LORD, O my sould, and DO NOT FORGET all his benefits.
He forgives all your iniquity, heals all your diseases, and redeems your life FROM THE PIT.
He crowns you with steadfast love and mercy.
He gives the good so that it satisfies as long as you live!!!

This is how it starts, and just keeps building with all the good that God gives, regardless of the fact that our response to Him sometimes is distrust, or misunderstandings, or downright rebellion. God loves us. He does. As we walk through hard things, as I do anyway, I want to choose to Bless the LORD regardless. I forget to do that alot.

This Psalm is also, in parallel to my life passage in Lamentations 3, a huge reminder that God's love is steadfast. It is everlasting. It goes on forever.

And the promise made that I really, really needed to hear was that, for those who fear Him, for those who stand in awe of His Holiness and Love, through them righteousness will be passed down from generation to generation.

Bless the LORD O my soul!

Lent Readings, March 13, 2011

2011-03-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Psalm 63

Where has this Psalm been these last months of effort, of feeling like I'm walking around in a desert?

O God, You are MY God, I seek you. My Soul thirsts for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

In deciding to try once again this year to read the Lenten Readings from the Book of Common Prayer, I admit I am honestly, in a much more tired place this year. I stopped abruptly last year as our family suffered a tragedy in the loss of one of our children's birth family members, and that, coupled with continuing to try to recover from major surgery, a loss in and of itself, just threw me. I shouldn't have stopped, as I am fairly certain that reading Scripture would have gotten me through much better than I got through things myself, but I did, and here I am, wanting more... a year later.

And I read this Psalm, and instant tears and peace flow together.

I have looked upon you in your Sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. BECAUSE your steadfast LOVE is better than life, my lips will praise you.

That underlined part??? It is the truth. There have been times when I would say "anything is better than the life that surrounds me this day" but isn't it good, refreshing, hopeful to say... "I can praise you regardless, O LORD, because I live with the assurance that Your Love will be here and overwhelm me each and every day, if only I am open to feeling it.

And David sings these words of praise from the wilderness, or desert, not from a palace. He isn't saying this out of thanksgiving for that love so much as comfort and assurance that God is indeed present in the wilderness.

And because of this assurance of God's neverending love, "I will bless you as long as I live. I will lift up my hands and call your name. My soul is satisfied and my mouth praises you with joyful lips."

I don't do these things, like bless God, lift up my hands to God, call on God's name, joyfully praise him, because life doesn't at times (sometimes all the time?) feel like a desert. No, it's about the "knowing" that God is here...and His Love endures forever.

Selah.

Mark 2: 18-22

I truly need someone to preach on this passage, someone with way more wisdom than I do, to interpret Jesus's words here. At first reading (which is what I am trying to do here, not what I would do were I to preach this from the pulpit), it seems the people are questioning, and probably trying to catch Jesus doing something wrong. They want to know why the followers of Jesus are living differently than those who have come before. Jesus' disciples aren't fasting in a way that "it has always been done". And Jesus' response on the surface (and that is all this is) seems to me a foretelling about His Plan to make "all things new", to turn the world on its head, to put away the old way of doing things ~ the rules ~ in order to live in our new skins, in freedom from sin because we are redeemed once and for all, rather than in bondage to the rules that keep us from sinning. And we live now, on this side of Jesus' redeeming act, in our new skins! What does that mean exactly then, to how we should live???

There's more... but for a Sunday morning, we move forward to worship. His Blessing be upon us all!

2010-10-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

So much of life's battles for me, are fought in the wrong arena, letting others hurt me deeply because they don't say the what I need to hear to be affirmed, or because they put their needs first without considering the sacrifice of others. Even though I can say I don't sit here and think "what can I do to make myself miserable in this" I let others judge me, my performance, my choices, and put their stamp on it, to my detriment.

Or even, and this is even worse now that I think about it, I do work very hard at time to try to 'gain the world' by seeking to do first what I think others want from me...by saying what I think others want me to hear...by giving up my call to speak truth in love to save face...by trying to make sure that I'm doing it all right in the sight of others in order to be accepted, at least for a little while.

I've got it all wrong.

Sara Groves would never say she's a theologian or pastor, but in this song she proclaims the bottom line truth of it all.

As Sara said, "you can't live for someone else" ... the concept of "you complete me" is ludricrous. No other person on earth can fulfill that part. No other person but God gives the final word about who I am and what I've done and whether or not I am worth anything.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't live trying to make everyone happy all the time, or live up to the expectations others put on me. I can't always have the right words. I can't always guard my heart from loving. I can't always freely love when someone else has hurt me time and again. And the crazy thing in giving up this needing approval, needing to always say or do exactly what I think others want me to do or say, could possible, probably free me to be exactly who God intended me to be when He created me... who Christ intends me to be because He redeemed me. That's the neat thing of it all.

He is my audience. God. Alone. This journey is the one he gave me. I intend not to give up another day trying to live someone else's journey.

God is my audience of One.

This Journey is no one else's but mine, the one the ONE gave me, and I intend to remember that.

From Sara Groves' album "Conversations":
When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
So much of what I do is to make a good impression
this journey is my own

And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
But this journey is my own
And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

And I have never felt relief like I feel it right now
This journey is my own
Cuz trying to please the world, it was breaking me down
It was breaking me down

And now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Cuz I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
And you can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain
I can’t even judge myself, only the Lord can say, ‘Well done.’

Oh, this journey is my own

Character, you say?

2010-09-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ~ Helen Keller

We can, if we want, embrace our suffering. You know why? Well... suffering produces endurance... endurance brings on character and character, well, it creates a whole lotta hope and hope, it never, ever disappoints us when we let God's love fill us up. (my translation, Romans 5:3-5)

I can't help it. I'm a hopeless hoper. I've been carrying around a whole lot of stuff, unexpected events in our family life that has created small earthquakes in relationships, in our hearts... on top of unhealed, re-opened wounds that just need time I guess... a weariness built over time that hangs on... and yet...

I hope. I wake up each morning hoping, not out of naivete that the world will right itself before the sun sets, but with the hope that whatever we have endured, or will endure, will produce in us a character that is unstoppable in its ability to move forward, to make a difference, to speak into the lives of others who might be enduring unexpected twists and unrelenting pain.

I hope anyway... I believe that when God's love is center that hope works, and lasts and I just have to endure.

And it gets me through the day. I believe I am better for having endured. I live in the center of that kind of hope.

It's Simple

2010-09-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

In trying to live a simpler life in many areas, and right now when it seems impossible, I was encouraged by this quote from Winston Churchill...

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.

And I will add to this, the fruit that living a Spirit-filled life brings ~ and the only way that living out the 'great things' of which Mr. Churchill spoke ~ as the Apostle Paul outlined in his letter to the Church of Galatia:

"But when the Holy Spirit controls our life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience (longsuffering), kindness (compassion), goodness (generosity), faith (in relationships and beliefs), gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23)

Lenten Readings for Morning

2010-02-22T08:04:00.000-08:00

Psalm 41

David talks alot about his enemies. He does to the point that I times I wonder if he was paranoid about those who might be out to get him. He seems to trust God to to be gracious to him but still, he worries. Or at least that is how it seems to this worry wart.

I'm good at begging for God's grace but not so good at trusting that God will take care of me. And in the end, I don't think David was paranoid, mostly because there are times where things happen (like this morning...I won't even go into it) where I want to cry out "God, I know that THIS isn't a big deal, but to me, it feels like so much piling on. Couldn't you be more gracious to me?" Some days are like that. Some days are a battle and recognizing that our enemies ~ most often not human but rather situational or even ourselves ~ are God's to take care of as well. We can imagine the worst, and still live knowing that if we live with integrity (12), we enjoy God's eternal presence and blessed grace.

Psalm 52

I don't know about you, but I've always considered the Psalms to be, for the most part, a soothing place. There aren't the outright fierce battles or onvious betrayal of the historical books. There isn't the droning on and on of the law. There isn't the confusion of the prophetics. But then I read this Psalm and am reminded of how much of praying can be, will be, should be 'lament'.

Lament is when we cry out to God in our anger, or fear, or frustration. For me, lament isn't a call for an answer. It's a vent. And wow, is the Psalmist venting here. He is speaking to someone who has betrayed him, deceived him. And he is mad.

It's okay to be mad sometimes especially when someone has done wrong against us. It is not okay to blame God or to seek vengeance. And it is not okay to carry the burden of the anger around with us, holding grudges, bringing up old things, the proverbial buried hatchet with the handle still exposed. When we use lament, we also have to take the responsibility upon ourselves of actually leaving it with God and letting him carry out his justice if need be. It may not seem like God is doing what we think he should, but it isn't our problem anymore.

Instead, our job becomes "trusting the steadfast love of God forever" (8), being thankful for what he has done and will do for us and proclaiming his good name to others. (9) The rest must be left up to God.

Genesis 37:1-11

Joseph dreams. Poor soul. It's hard being different from your siblings. It's hard being misunderstood. It's hard having a different dream. I guess what Joseph should have done was kept his mouth shut in order to preserve his place among his brothers. That would have been the mature thing to do, not to boast about his dreams. And he learned his lesson the hard way.

Sometimes we say the wrong thing and it messes with our relationships. I do believe I might be like Joseph in this way. I am still learning about when to speak up and when to be quiet. And I just pray that lessons learned along the way will eventually result in God being able to use me is as great a way as he was able to use Joseph, whose leadership abilities, and willingness to speak up even when it could have hurt him, saved the nation of Israel.

Mark 1:1-13

Mark gets right to the point in the beginning of this Gospel. He doesn't mess around with births and wise men and all that stuff. His point is about Jesus' calling into ministry, and the miracles he does that shows WHO He is.

And in this passage, the authenticity of Jesus is proclaimed as He was foretold through the work of the messenger that came ahead (2) John the Baptist. The authenticity of Jesus was witness in Jesus' baptism through the words of God from the skies: "This is MY Son". The authenticity of Jesus was then tested and Jesus passed with flying colors. There is no reason to doubt who Jesus is from the very beginning.

Of course, that is easy for me to say. I sit here with Bible in hand, seeing it with full vision of all that happened. But Mark's opening words were designed to help the hearers see that Jesus was Who He said He was.

Lenten Readings for Evening

2010-02-21T15:48:00.000-08:00

Psalm 103

I love, love, love this Psalm. The rhythm of the words when read aloud...the lyrical nature of the verse structure. It always amazes me to read passages like this in Scripture, mostly because I know that I'm not reading in the original language, in the way it was intended to be read, but rather, a lesser translation. And still, the beauty of God's hand on the scribe shines through.

And in reading, there is worship by stating fully what God is done and being grateful... forgives my iniquities...heals my diseases...redeems my life from the depths...crowns me with mercy and steadfast love...who gives good life and renewed strength.

Thank you God! Thank you for your mercy and grace showered upon me. My soul is blessed by all that you have done for me and I am grateful!

You are a God who doesn't get angry easily, and oh, am I ever grateful for that.
You are a God who shows mercy, who doesn't treat me how I really ought to be treated, and oh, and I grateful for that.
You are a God who has compassion on your children.
You are a God whose love goes on and one, whose will love my children and their children as much as you love me. And oh, I am grateful for that!

Bless you, O LORD!

Hebrews 2: 10-18

I took a semester long class on Hebrews while in Seminary. And I tell you, I'm not sure I understand it any better than I did then! This is one complex letter (and always led my professor to say that because it is so complex and hard to understand, and the author is not named, he was certain it must have been written by a woman! He named Priscilla. I like his way of thinking!) But I digress...

Is this passage about the change that can come through suffering? Jesus lowered Himself to be like us, and even though He didn't need to suffer for His own salvation, He also knew there was nothing that we ~ his brother and sisters ~ could do to save ourselves.

Does suffering and pain "perfect" us? Does it save us? Jesus had to suffer for us. Does our pain and suffering make us more perfect followers of Christ, more perfect leaders of His people in the church?

It was only in His dying that Jesus was able to break the power of evil in the lives of humans. And since He suffered this way, He knows. He knows what we are going through and is able to pray to the Father to protect us from temptation, and to perfect us to be servants in His church.

Lenten Readings for Morning

2010-02-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

Psalm 63

He is here. God is here. From a dry and thirsty place I long for his soothing, refreshing Spirit to overwhelm me. The Psalmist does too. I sense in this Psalm an intimacy between the writer and God, something I truly long for, have felt I admit at times, but right now, deeply long for with my Creator. I'm getting there I think. Even this Lenten Journey, like David as he wandered in a wilderness, is about seeking and opening and thirsting and longing. And knowing God is there rejoicing....He is here. I just have to be even more open to His Love, His Power, His Glory in my life. I long for that intimacy.
Psalm 98

The phrase "make a joyful noise" always makes me giggle a little, remembering some of the children's choirs I've had the privilege of directing. Noise it is! But God loves it! Singing...Roaring Sea...Clapping Floods...Singing Hills...All the world's inhabitants can't help themselves but to "make a joyful noise" in praise to the LORD who...

has done marvelous things.
has won the victory.
has shown his vindication.
has remembered his steadfast love and faithfulness to His people.
is coming to judge the earth with righteousness and equity.

Praise be to God for His mighty works! I will not let the seas and hills make noise without me! Praise the LORD!

Daniel 9:3-10

Well, at least it's not Ezekiel (see previous entries). But Daniel? These Old Testament Lessons are not for the faint of heart. I always read the Book of Daniel (don't even think about talking or preaching it) with fear and trepidation. It's a complicated book full of foreshadowing and prophecy like none other in the Old Testament. And it's hard for me to speak to a specific passage without feeling a little worry about not digging into the entire context of this book. All of it informs the rest and I don't want to misinterpret.

With that wild disclaimer, what jumps out to me first in the passage is this... confession. Utter humility in confessing on behalf of himself and a nation the "open shame that falls on us". This is raw admission of guilt, folks. This is what we have done God. We have not followed you as you asked. We have disobeyed your commands. You are righteous, God. We are filled with shame. You are a great and awesome God who has kept your part of the covenant. We are a shameful people who have not kept ours. You are merciful and forgiving, God. We are rebels and sinners.

And this passage, where it ends at verse 10, leaves the prayer of confession wide open. There is no God (yet!) saying "I show you mercy. I forgive you. I love you." And therein, is the core of the Lenten Season. We live in these days, the moments of confession, of wondering and waiting for a Savior who can finally forgive us. Am I in the spirit of confession, of admitting my shame, of laying it out there, of acknowledging my failure to God in order to be prepared for His full and final forgiveness of my sin that came when the righteous, great, awesome, merciful and forgiving God was willingly nailed to a cross to bear the burden of my shame and rebellion and sin?

John 12: 44-50

What hits me head on in this teaching of Jesus ... "for I came not to judge the world but to save it" is that it is the response to Daniel's prayer of confession on behalf of his nation that we just saw in the Old Testament lesson. Daniel confesses and I think that he and the nation believed that God's wrath would come down on them, that God, who has every right to, was going to judge and punish them. \

But not so fast. Years ticked by...God was waiting for His Time to be complete, to come near. And Jesus is the Answer to the confession of our hearts. He ~ God ~ does not carry judgement at the core of his being. Yes, he has the right to judge and will/does, BUT... by Jesus's own words, God doesn't ultimately desire judgement, but for all His people to be saved and live eternally with Him.

There's not denying that someone has to take the punishment for what we have done. God cannot let sin be. There must be consequences. But Jesus... our righteous, great, awesome, merciful, forgiving God... spread out His arms wide to take our sins on himself. He came to save.

Lenten Readings for Evening

2010-02-20T16:08:00.000-08:00

Psalm 42, 43

I read two Psalms like this and wonder, truly wonder, if the Psalmist lives in my head!!! And I suppose that is most probably the glory of the Scripture God has left for us. It is FOR US. He wrote it to reveal WHO HE IS to us for our benefit of learning to live in relationship with God and others, for the possibility of being able to know God as well as our little minds allow, in order to love Him as fully as our little hearts will let us.

This Psalm.. the waffling between mourning and hope is truly where I live...

My tears have been my food day and night (42:3)... where is your God? (42:10)... my soul is cast down (42:5)... why must I walk around mournfully? (43:2)

against

HOPE IN GOD! (42:5, 11; 43:5)

Back and forth and then, the pinnacle... Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? HOPE IN GOD! For I shall praise him, my help and my God. (42: 11; 43:5)

Sometime we have to remember there is hope even when our spirit is unsettled. Don't argue with the hope. It will always...always be there, somewhere.

Philippians 4: 10-20

Paul really knows how to go to the heart of things, doesn't he? One of the most famous verses and oft-quoted verses in the Bible is in this passage:

"I can do all things through him ~ Christ ~ who strengthens me". (13)

People love to say this to other people to encourage them to keep going, or to try something new that might seem impossible, or just because they don't know what else to say. But I wonder how many people in quoting this actually have read the verses surrounding it.

"For I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have plenty. I know what it is to have little. In ANY AND ALL circumstances, I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need." (11-12)

The "can do" attitude Paul describes in verse 13 has little to do with doing the impossible, but more to do with living in your circumstances and being content where you are. Hey, it might mean doing more, but for me at least, I haven't LEARNED (and Paul uses that word twice to describe the process of being content) what it truly means to be content with little or much.

I want to know contentment and I hazard a guess to say that some of the trying circumstances I have experienced in my life have been the process for me of learning contentment. Granted, I am a slow learner. But maybe, just maybe, there is a purpose to the hard things. Paul certainly experienced his share of tough stuff... jail, beatings, hunger, homelessness, a thorn in the flesh, and on and on... and here he says "I have learned the secret"...

Oh God I pray someday I will be able to say that!

Lenten Readings for Morning

2010-02-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

Psalm 30

There's alot of people who don't like a structured reading or preaching schedule such as The Book of Common Prayer or the Lectionary (which is what I am using for my reading during this time), mostly because as they claim "it takes the Work of the Spirit" out of the work of the proclaimer. Well. This Psalm selection by those who select such things, aptly titled in my Bible Thanksgiving for Recovery from Grave Illness, could not be anymore from the Spirit as it is for me this morning.

I am home alone, on the couch, while my children and Hubby take a roadtrip to the farm. It's an adventure for sure, but I am certain it is not what my very tired Hubby longed to do on this snowy day. But he is so good to me. He didn't ask me if this was okay. He told me that he felt I needed the weekend to rest and work towards gaining strength. I am recovering from major surgery six weeks ago, a surgery that we hope is the next big step in how God is healing my body and spirit.

I don't know if David the Psalmist ever suffered from grave illness. He suffered from alot of things so I suppose this could be prayed on his own behalf. But that is hardly the point. The point is that this Psalm, one I had forgotten was here long ago, touches me deeply this morning, a word from the Holy Spirit, that indeed He, the Giver of Life who has the Power to Restore Life, is healing me.

I've prayed for healing for years from the pain and sorrow and weariness that comes from chronic illness. I've knelt at altars sobbing, begging. I've been surrounded by pastors as they laid hands on me. I've been anointed with oil. Prayed over by pastors from Africa, who know how to touch heaven even from the depths of hell. I have also watched as people are miraculously, instantly healed from disease and pain. I've walked with friends and parishioners as well, as their healing became full. I have prayed and begged for healing, and promised God that He would get all the glory for healing. I have done it for others and I have done it for myself.

Sometimes God heals as we hope he will. And sometimes He has other plans that we can't see or even begin to understand. This Psalm is a prayer of thanksgiving and so beautiful, and truly a help in a time of healing for me, as I seek God's peace and joyy in the middle of it all.

And verse 5 is the core of this passage to me, speaking of how really short-lived illness is in the whole scheme of things. Illness doesn't mean that God is angry with me but essentially, the need for healing comes out of God's justice for the whole human race. God wouldn't be angry had we not sinned in the first place. And healing would not be needed in this world had we not sinned in the first place. God is angry because of our sin, and one of the consequences of our fallenness is disease. God's healing is a sign of God's favor, undeserved in its full essence. So I can beg for it, and make all sorts of promises, but I really, in the whole of it, deserve nothing but what I get. None of us do. The fact that God shows His Favor at all to this obedient generation shows God's true character.

The Psalmist so beautiful sings:

Sing praises to the LORD, O you his faithful ones.
Give thanks to His Holy Name. (4)
For his anger is but for a moment. His Favor is for a lifetime. (5)

And here's the thankful part, where we shout for joy regardless of our present state:

You have turned my mourning into dancing.
You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
so that my soul may praise you and not be silent.
O LORD, I will give thanks to you forever.

Writers of Scripture since have echoed this sentiment... my circumstances do not define the need to give thanks.

Psalm 32

And just two psalms later there is this... a psalm that expresses the freedome and lightheartedness in the greatest healing of all, that of the clean heart that comes from humble confession and utter forgiveness. I have a hard time reading this Psalm as it was originally presented, by those looking still, longing for the Messiah who would set things right. It was hundreds of years yet until the Jesus we know as the Ultimate Forgiver was born.

But still, this writing expresses the central FACT of forgiveness. When I am silent, bearing the weight of the sins I have committed, my body literally groans and wastes away (4) from the heaviness of it all. It is in the 'acknowledging' of sin (5), in not hiding it anymore, in confessions, that the weight of guilt has the possibility of going away through the forgiveness of God.

Don't be stubborn and hang onto the things that should be confessed to God. It's not good for me or anyone. Confess, and I will "find my hiding place" (7). I will be delivered. (7). I will shout for joy. (11)
Ezekiel 39:21-29

Ezekiel again? What are they trying to do to me? The contrast for Israel between exile and deliverance is fairly constant in their history. And God always come through, keeping his promise to "restore the fortunes of Jacob, and have mercy on the whole house of Israel" (25). God is so faithful. How can anyone not see it? People cry out at what a vengeful God He is, how horrible that someone might actually suffer the consequences of their actions. God is an awful God, isn't he? Who would want to be loyal, to trust a God who gets angry?

Israel certainly suffered and felt that way ...exile, captivity, slavery, wandering, and on and on. And God could have delivered them from it all, but really, would that have helped? Do we need to sometimes go through stuff so we see God's mercy has clearer, truer? Do we need to suffer some so we understand the grace of God? Would we appreciate His restoring power, His deliverance, His Spirit upon us (29) if it weren't for the times of exile?

John 17: 20-26

Jesus continues to pray like the priest/pastor that He is, this time, pouring out His requests to the Father for those who do not yet know the Truth. Through Jesus' life and death, He left behind the potential for us on earth to live as one people, in unity. He prepared the potential believers for glory. He longed in the deepest of His being as expressed in His interceding prayer, that every single person "may be with me where I am" (24). He knew where he was going, what He was walking through, and what the final result would be. And He wanted that result for us, His brothers and sisters, too.

In this prayer, Jesus prayed FOR ME. He prayed for everyone who reads this. He prayed for those who do not yet know who He is, that His Name would be made known to all, so that all could be saved.

He prayed FOR ME.

Lenten Readings for Evening

2010-02-19T20:41:00.000-08:00

Psalm 35

David sure had alot of enemies. Or maybe, if I think about it more, maybe he was more willing to name something or someone for what it was and then, and only then, pray for deliverance from what those who opposed his purpose in life threw at him.

I think too many times we don't know what we're asking God to do. We're not "naming names" of the things that bind us. We're not admitting that we really need to be delivered at all. We just want God to make it easy and not really overcome the stuff that confronts us.

David had real physical, in person, enemies. His position ~ calling ~ in life made it so. But the obstacles they put in front of him parallel what we face. We need to call it what it is and do the work of trusting God to work with us to overcome.

I used to read these prayers for deliverance and think "oh, I'm not in a battle so this doesn't apply to me". As far from the truth as anything I've thought that is for sure. God wants us to name our trials, our obstacles, our enemies (whether they be true human opposition or the things we do to ourselves) and then allow him to do His job of finding a way through, of delivering us.

David cries (17) out to God "How long?" I've been there. Am there. Sometimes it feels like the hard things just go on and on, and sometimes stuff happens, or is said in anger by someone else, and it feels like so much piling on... what's the use? Why won't God take care of this for me? But really... have I named it for what it is? Am I ready for true justice? Am I ready for how it might change me? Or how I might need to be changed for it to happen?

O LORD, how long? I am sure I won't like the answer. He's probably saying to me, "long enough for you to get it".

Philippians 4:1-9

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say rejoice.
Let your gentleness be known to everyone.
Don't worry about ANYTHING.
In everything, give thanks.
Let your requests be known to God.

Whatever is true...and honorable...and pure...and pleasing...commendable... if there's anything excellent or worthy of praise, THINK on that.

Do what you've learned. And heard and seen.

And God's peace which cannot be understood by my wee brain, will guard my heart and mind in Christ.

Is there anything else to say? THIS is, in a nutshell, how I want to live.

Lenten Readings for Morning

2010-02-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

Psalm 95

I can just hear the faith community gathered singing these words at the top of their lungs. Oh to be caught up with your church family praising God unabashedly, with power, and meaning it! Do we worship this way anymore? Truly? Would we as people be willing to just shout out these words without regard of what people around us think? And if we did, would we mean the very words we say? Surely, we are not performing for God and others...are we? Are we, without reserve, truly worshipping?

Let us make a joyful NOISE to HIM with songs of praise! (2)
Let us come before Him ~ first ~ with THANKSGIVING on our lips!
Let us worship and bow low, kneel before the One Who Made Us! (6)

Why would we do this?

For the LORD is a GREAT GOD! (3)
For the LORD is a GREAT KING above all others!
He holds the lowest and highest places of the earth in His Hands! (4)
He owns the sea and dry land... after all, He created it! (5)
He is our Creator! He is Our God!

Who are we?

We are His Creation.
We are the sheep of His pasture. (7)

O that today I will listen to His Voice! (7)

Psalm 31

When David wrote and sang this song, he was under alot of stress. He wanted God to listen. He wanted God to rescue him. He wanted God to protect him and save him. He wanted God to show His Grace.

David is sad...exhausted...weak...rejected...broken...paranoid...fearful.

Oh, how I can relate.

But after he pours out his heart and requests to God, he doesn't just lie down and expect God to make everything perfect right then and there. What he does next is remarkable... (v. 14)

Calmly. Powerfully. Wholly.

BUT.

I put my trust in you, O LORD.
I say, "you are my God".
My times are in your hand. (15)

O How ABUNDANT is your goodness.
O What You have accomplished for those who take refuge in you.
You hide us in the shelter of your just being here. You hold us safe. (20)

BLESSED be the LORD, who wondrously shows his everlasting love to me.

Deliver me, God, from the ones who want to hurt me.
Let your face shine on me, your servant.
Save me in your steadfast love.
Don't let me be put to shame, O LORD. (16)

David doesn't just cry out with his fears and frustrations and then gives up. David cries out knowing Who God is to Him... God is Good. God is Safe. God is Grace. God is Love. That is how David lived through the stressful times. I must do that too.

Ezekiel 18: 1-4; 25-32

The Book of Ezekiel does not record the cheeriest of stuff. In fact, it is the only book in the Bible that I haven't made it through (and there are many that have been read dozens of time). It's that icky. And frankly, even in reading this passage, I still don't get it.

What is this meant to say to me in this Season of Lent?

This passage, on the surface (which is how I am reading it for these writings... I am not researching the depths I am sure are contained in all these passages, but rather speaking of what I see in light of my life circumstances and season at this moment) talks about (gasp...sputter)

...the unfairness of life. Or more specifically, is God unfair in the way he treats people? Treading lightly here, the complaint (v. 25-26) is that when the righteous turn away they are punished for their sings, but when the wicked turn turn away, they are saved from their sins.

Seems, yes, on the surface to have an element of unfairness there. But...

is it really that way? Is God an unfair judge? Or is he just saying plainly (v. 31) "Don't sin. Stop committing the wrong things. Get yourself a new heart, a new spirit and wow... gasp...sputter...you won't have anything to worry about."

To know God means that unfairness doesn't exist for Him, in His will. He doesn't like the punishing anymore than He likes having to be the judge. If we could just face the fact that we need a new heart and new spirit to really know the God who wants to embrace us all, then we wouldn't have to worry about God being unfair at all, but rather bask in His love for always.

John 17: 9-19

Jesus continues to pray in this passage, for his closest friends and disciples. He loves them and begs God to protect them in the hard road ahead. Jesus won't be there anymore to watch out for them, speak for them, correct and discipline them. Jesus asks his Father to help them through, because the world doesn't accept their different way any longer. He prays for their sanctification, for them to be set apart in a new way so they can fulfill the calling on their lives.

These words of Jesus touch me to the core of who I am as a person called into ministry. That Jesus in the middle of what he knew were his last days...last words...would cry out on behalf of the Beloved who have given up their lives in the world really makes me realize that Jesus knew...he knows... what we all go through as followers of Christ. He knew it would be hard. He expected nothing less than hardship. But he also expected the walk to be filled with the presence of God at every turn. Thanks be to God for His calling on my life, and for His presence as I try to walk in obedience to this call, and for Jesus' interceding prayers on my behalf.

Lent Readings for the Evening

2010-02-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

Psalm 37: 19-40

Once again, the contrast of the future of those who do evil as opposed to those "blessed by the LORD", those who are righteous is quite stark. The Wicked perish...vanish. The Righteous inherit the land and are kept safe forever. But that's not all.

"Those who are blessed by the LORD shall inherit the land. Our steps are made firm by the LORD, when he delights in our way; though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the LORD holds us by the hand."

These words are such a comfort! First, the psalmist speaks of how our steps aren't like walking on an icy path if we walk with the LORD (v. 23) , but rather, we walk firmly, holding his hand. And even further, when we stumble ~ when things don't go exactly as they are intended ~ we don't fall flat on our faces (24) ...no...we can rest assured that His Hands are strong enough to hold us up when the path seems slippery.

I needed to hear that today, as we face yet again, decisions regarding our future. I desire so much to for God to delight in my ways. I desire so much to be a blessing wherever I am. And I fear the stumbling that has happened, and yes, will happen. But God's Word makes it clear that there is no reason to fear.

He holds my hand. (24)
He will not forsake the faithful ones. (28)
He will keep the righteous safe. (29)
Our future is secure. (29)
Our steps do not slip. (31)
He is the salvation of the righteous. (39)
He is our refuge in times of trouble (39)
The LORD helps. (40)

I can handle those promises.

Philippians 3: 12-21

This letter was written by Paul to the Church in Philippi. I have thought in the dozens of times that I have read Philippians, that I am certain I was sitting on the front row. It's like this letter speaks to me in ways that alot of other parts of Scripture do not at this point in my life. And this very passage is so timely as we seem to be in yet another decision making process about our future in ministry. And couple that with my continued time of physical healing the words of verse 12 are so timely:

Not that I have already obtained this ~ 'this' being knowing Christ (v. 11) ~ or have already reached the goal, but I PRESS ON to make it my own, because Jesus Christ has made me his own.

This is a firm and timely reminder that life is a journey. And as cliche as that sounds, there is no other way to speak of it. We never reach the goal until God says we do. And the joy in this journey, and purpose as well, is in the 'pressing on' toward it. What a great way to live! There is a goal, and we get to do the work of moving toward it!

We strain toward the prize (v. 13) , leaving all the past stuff in our wake, and look forward to what lies ahead, in the end, finally, the prize... being a citizen of Heaven (v. 20), and there, being transformed from this humiliatingly frail and fragile shell of a human into the Children of God we are created to be.

Lent Readings for the morning: Thursday, February 18, 2010

2010-02-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

Psalm 37: 1-18
Verses 4-5 of this passage has been a favorite of mine from long ago... trust in the Lord and do good; take delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. It was a life-altering thought some nearly 20 years ago when I discovered that this does mean "pray hard and God will give you what you want, but rather, make your desires parallel to what God wants for you and it will all be right".

But even further, this reading forces me to look at my choices, that of the righteous person versus the wicked. I may not see the wicked way in me, but God does and He speaks to that by admonishing me to "trust in Him"..."do not fret"..."be still before the LORD"..."refrain from anger"..."wait upon the LORD"..."be meek"..."be content with little"...

ALL this says is that my focus must not be on making things right by forcing those who might not have my best interests at heart (or maybe have evil intentions) ~ justice for the sake of my own redemption ~ but on trusting that the LORD will "uphold the righteous"..."cause wrongdoers to wither like the grass"..."make vindication shine like a light"..."cut off the wicked".

See, the LORD makes my job easy. He makes trusting Him easy compared to His job of justice and vindication for what is evil and wrong with the world.

Am I truly delighting myself in the LORD?

Habakkuk 3:1-18
This is one of the most marked up chapters in my Bible. The Prophet Habakkuk prays earnestly to God, declaring His glory and power, honoring God's desire for discipline among His people, and the need of God to display His anger when He sees people doing what they do and not following Him. His anger comes NOT because he's plain mad, but because He's sad that we do these things to ourselves. His anger is what saves us. And even further, the words of verse 17 and following, words of trust in the middle of trouble, words of joy in the middle of poverty:

Though the fig tree does not blossom, and not fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive tree fails and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stalls,

YET I will REJOICE in the LORD!!!!

I will exult in the God of my salvation.
God the LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and makes me tread upon the heights.

To the God who is able to bring rejoicing in loss goes glory!

John 17:1-8
Much of the chapters preceding this prayer are Jesus' words about Himself, teaching those who will listen ~ let him that have ears, hear! ~ who He is. And at this point "he turns to heaven" and talks directly to His Father. And amazingly enough to me anyway, God prays to God for Himself. He knows the time has come for their plan to come to a climax, and I wonder, in His humanness, if He wonders if He could do it, all the while as God, knowing He could do nothing less than save His people. So He prays, for no other reason, to show us how to pray, how to ask God for God to be glorified in the very act of living out our purposes on earth.

Jesus also prays for the ones who follow Him, whom He has chosen and I suppose, who have limited capacity to understand what is about to happen. He honors His followers as "gifts from God". He acknowledges that they believe. And he prays this in front of them in what seems like affirmation of their calling as His Disciples.

Where I am Right now... another character building journey

2009-10-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

"We are inclined to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching. In actual fact, it is to be turned into something even better than teaching, namely, character." ~ Oswald Chambers

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
(Romans 5:1-5)

It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like...
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope,
I couldn't feel a thing

Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out,
hoping You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here

And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like... Character

by Sara Groves from her album All Right Here

Solid

2009-06-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

Whenever I start doubting the day to day, I put this song on repeat and play it over and over until I'm solidly where I need to be again.

by Natalie Grant from her CD Relentless.

My Life Verses... from where else? Lamentations.

2009-06-23T05:04:00.000-07:00

I really am, if you know me at all, an optimistic and hopeful person. Over all. But I must admit that there are times that I get caught up in the hard stuff, and when I sit back and think about it, there have been some real moments of trial in my life, times of testing, going through a fire if you will. And sometimes, I've ended up a little bit (or a lot) bitter...regretful, but true.

But you know what? It always comes down to the lovely recall that my Savior is faithful. My God is the one true God, and in spite of my venting...fighting...shaking my fist at God, each and every morning he returns to me true, full of mercy, full of never ending love, always faithful.

And that knowing is why my life verses come from the oddes of places for a hopeful person, the book of Lamentations. I speak of the day that it became apparent that my the crux of what matters in my life were contained in these verses in this post. It's actually a sermon (sorry.) that I was privileged to preach when our much longed for daughter Bug was a month old. She came to us through a long and winding road that includes infertility and loss and adoption and on that morning we were celebrating her joining our family with our church family through a shower for our daughter. It really was glorious. And the song I chose to close the service was this one... Great is They Faithfulness.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

And that wasn't the first time we've used that song in celebration. Our wedding day we sang it together with the 400 and some family and friends who joined us for that amazing day. And since our wedding day, we've had this favorite hymn a part of the celebration of Bug and Si's dedication ceremonies, when we committed to raise them to love Christ, giving them back to God for His use. Because of what this song represents to me, I can't get through it ever without tears flowing, hands lifted in praise for I know He is faithful. He is. All I have needed His hand does provide.

And these verses from Lamentations are the crux of life for me. Where I end in my own attempts to keep up the hope, when I can't find peace, I needn't look further than the only One in whom we can find true HOPE... a faithful God whose mercies fall without measure, whose love is sure and endless.

When you start the book of Lamentations, it sure doesn't look like this is where it is going. The author of this book is definitely at the end of his rope. There's nothing, absolutely nothing that has happened in his (or her!) life that makes sense, that "feels" good, that seems right. And still, he/she gets to the point of nothingness... no peace...no joy... and...

Even at times when my soul can't find peace, when the happy stuff is hard to see from here, this ONE thing I call to mind and then I have HOPE... the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Your Faithfulness. The LORD is my portion. And therefore I will hope in Him." (From Lamentations 3)

from Sara Groves' CD Conversations

That is where my hope is found... wholly, solely in a God who loves me unfailingly, whose mercies cover my sins, my fears, my struggles, my life.

Sometimes hope can only be found in the end of knowing what it is to live without hope. Sometimes hope shines brighter when you've gone through the trial. Maybe that is what makes the trial, the something to lament about, worth it. I cling to that... and hope.

Why Fear? Jesus shows his storm-killing power.

2009-06-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

One day Jesus got into a boat with his closest friends, the people who (supposedly) knew him best, and he said to them, "Let's go to the other side." So they started across the lake and while they were sailing, Jesus fell asleep. A huge windstorm swept across the lake, and the waves were fiercely beating the boat, which was filling with water faster than the disciples could get it out, and they were in danger. They went to where Jesus was sleeping quietly on a soft cushion, shouting and screaming "Master, we are dying here! Don't you care about us????" Jesus woke up and rebuked the wind, and shouted to the sea, "PEACE! BE STILL!" And then he turned to his beloved friends and said, "WHY ARE YOU AFRAID? Do you have so little faith in me?" They stood there in awe and in fear and said to each other, "Who is this, that even the wind and the waves obey him?" (From Matthew, Mark and Luke)...

I forget, so easily forget in the middle of the storms in my life, that my Beloved Friend Jesus has power over the winds and the waves. He will never fail me, even when it seems he is sleeping through the worst of my pain. I believe always...

Why Fear? Even though I am powerless, He is Strength.

2009-06-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Have you not known or heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint.
He does not grow weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint.
He strengthens the powerless.
Even the youngest will faint and be weary...
even the young will fall exhausted.
But those who WAIT ~ HOPE ~ for the LORD, shall renew their strength.
They shall mount up with wings like eagles.
They shall run and not be weary.
They shall walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:27-31)

Speaking of Fear...

2009-06-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

This series of posts has been in the works for a couple of years, really. For most of 2007 and early 2008, I spent an afternoon a week heading to see a Christian counselor in order to make sense of some of the things that had happened in my life. Regardless of how much faith I have in a "God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20), I struggle with an anger that sometimes scares me and often affects the most important relationships in my life.

And in this time of counseling, it became increasingly more clear that my anger had become a crutch to NOT deal with what was underneath.

Fear.

Fear was underneath.

Fear of an uncertain future.

Fear for my kid's health.

Fear for my family's well-being.

Fear for what hard thing would be coming my way next.

Fear.

Fear turned to an outpouring of anger that hurt those around me, and I couldn't...wouldn't let it keep happening. That time taught me so many things. Since my counselor was outwardly Christian, we could talk about how much of my anger was directed at God for fear of what HE would do next to us. The downside at times of being a follower of God is that you can grow to expect good things from him, and get lulled into the belief that obedience garners his favor. That surely if I am doing His work, with all that I've sacrificed to be His servant, surely his favor would be on us, and only good things would come our way.

And then they don't and unacknowledged disappointment can sometimes turn into a seething that breaks up the soul. And I was heading down that path, and it was plain scary. I could see life falling apart if I didn't get control ~ my first thought, although it was really healing and understanding I was looking for ~ of it... loss of relationship with the people I loved most ~ Hubby, my two precious kids, dear family, friends, even the God I serve ~ loss of comfort in not knowing myself, loss of hope for a future that has years of potential left, and so much more.

That seething... scary... sad... when faced to the truth that it was less about what I had felt others and God had done to me, but more about how fearful I was of the unknown that might be lurking around the next corner, or in the dark shadows ~ that seething became less my comfortable friend ~ living mad ~ and more the adversary I had to fight.

So I turned, as I have learned to do so many times in my life, but of course, fail to do often enough, to the Place with the Answers, my Bible, the Book where you can get to know God better to understand the "whys" and "whats" and other "w"s that mark the questioning life.

And in it I found word upon word and passage upon passage about what God thinks of fear. How God expects us to handle the fears we encounter in living in an uncertain world. And most importantly WHO GOD IS in the world and why that means we can live the fearless life.

Over and again, as I found hundreds* (literally!) of places where God addresses our fears, turth was revealed. In the end, fear, whether for my own safety or the safety of my family can be very real. But you can't live there. And even further, MOST of the time, my fear came from the possible growth that might happen if there were more hard circumstances to come in my life. I wanted to curl up and say "God, have we not done enough work in this area? What more do you ask of me?"

And in the end, the question, the only question that remained is this:

Do I not trust God, know him enough, to know he’s taking care of me?

His WORD reveals who He is to anyone who wants to know him. So what does the Bible ~ the whole of it ~ say about my fear, and who God is in the middle of a world that leaves me fearful. Who is God to me that I don’t have to fear?

After searching his Word to know God more it became clear that God doesn't just coddle us into trusting Him. He commands it. He demands us to trust him. And He ALWAYS says these things...

DO NOT FEAR.

Be strong.

Have courage.

Be still.

Know me.

Seek me.

Trust me.

In these commands lay the hope for my future, one not laced with anger and fear but with optimisim and joy. It is truthfully the way I've been striving to live these last many months. It is a journey of healing, of seeing His Light, and learning again how God does have my best in mind, even through the hard stuff.

The next several entries will be just a tasting of the many passages that brought God's truth about fear to light for me. I hope they do for you as well.

*My Scripture search was very basic and didn't require the Seminary degree I have (although that came in handy). I started on a personal prayer retreat, opening my Bible to the concordance and listing all the passages found there. And in reading those passages, I found cross-referenced passages that led me to more and more verses on the topic. This is for me, how I truly begin to know and understand God, not by staying in the main stream (although many of the passages I am choosing to outline in this series are main stream) but seeing the stuff in the lesser known corners of the Bible alongside the lauded and well-loved passages. That's just a hint of how you might go about doing your own study on a "topic" you need to hear from God about.

2009-06-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is hard to feel like He is listening.

Does He hear? Does He care about the things that matter to me?

But in this doubt, it hits me time and again.
He has proven Himself true.
I can trust the Unseen because He is not unknown to me.
And he wants me to cry out to Him with my needs, but in the end, He also wants what is best for me.

"What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He didn't keep His own Son from us, will He not give us everything else? Can anything ever separate us from the Love of Christ? Does it mean He no longer loves me if I have trouble, or distress, or feel hunger or pain? If I'm attacked or in danger, does that mean He no longer cares? I AM CONVINCED that NOTHING can ever separate us from God's Love. Neither death nor life, angels or demons, neither our FEARS for today nor our worries about tomorrow. No power in the sky or on the earth... nothing will separate us."

(From Romans 8)...

I am NEVER alone.

By BarlowGirl from their CD Another Journal Entry

I serve a God Who is Able ...

2009-01-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

I know this is the lazy way to do it, but I ask you to visit my main blog for a post that is significant for here as well. Have a blessed day...

This one is whiny and not sacred at all.

2009-01-14T08:51:00.000-08:00

We've been planning a get away, me and Hubby, to celebrate our tenth anniversary that happens on Friday. The best laid plans are what they are and now we're not going.

In the end, it's no big deal. It's just a trip. A tenth anniversary trip with my Beloved mind you, but sick kids come first and so we're staying home. And I'm a tad (read: uber) frustrated about it. You've probably been there, not realizing just how much you needed something to happen until it doesn't. I needed this. I needed rest. I needed time with Hubby. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I needed this trip, this separation from every day life for me. I have been fantasizing for weeks about walks in the harbor, fresh seafood, a drive up the coast, breakfast in bed among other things I won't talk about on my blog. I needed it.

And our trip isn't going to happen. Bug has a bug and it's a nasty one and although she seems to be better today, yesterday decided it for us. I know this is where I need to be, caring for my kids. I wouldn't have been able to relax knowing that they were somewhere else, in someone else's care while they are feeling bad (and I wouldn't want someone doing that to me) so that part is alright. I know this is what I signed up for becoming a Momma. And it's okay.

The part though about not catching a break is what gets me. It seems that this happens way too often in our lives, where there's always something complicated that happens to change the best-laid plans. I'm a planner by nature and I've talked about the frustration that comes from not being able to plan or plans being thwarted (and I'm working through some stuff I have yet to put to paper because I'm not ready, about how the uncertainty brings fear and that fear shows up in anger about all sorts of things). But I have been trying to look at things differently. I really have.

I read a few weeks ago some wise words from Oswald Chambers...

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is.

Now, Mr. Chambers is speaking about seeking God's will in future circumstances where you're asked to 'go out' without knowing. He's not talking about a canceled anniversary trip. But as I read this one thing hit me that I've been doing all along my journey... I've been shaking my fist at God, often angry because I don't understand what he is trying to do when things are hard and twisty and don't go as we hoped and prayed they would. I have been wondering what he was doing in the circumstances of my life.

But here it is... instead, I should be searching not for what he is DOING, but seeking after who God is revealing Himself to be in the middle of whatever situation I find myself. I won't say it's made things easier. Frankly it's alot easier to throw a fit and be mad that once again God didn't let me have my way. But there is solace in knowing one thing... I haven't done anything to 'deserve' the frustration (which has always been my first turn... what did I do wrong to deserve This?)... rather, I must seek for who God is as He walks with me and guides me through. That is a hard, new discipline, one that feels so very unfamiliar. It's not about what is happening, but who God is showing Himself to be in the middle of what is happening.

So I'm trying this. In the middle of tears this morning (and I'll admit in an attempt to get away from a whiny little man named Si) I went to my room and closed the door. And I prayed that God would reveal to me WHO He is in this, not WHY it is happening. I have to confess it hasn't stopped the tears, and I feel a sense of loss in all of this, but I know that God is WHO He is and that the rest of it shouldn't matter. So we hunker in for a few days of quarantine, me and the girl. And praying that the boy doesn't get this bug, or me or Hubby for that matter. As for the trip, who knows what we're being saved from... maybe nothing... but it is what it is and it is that my kiddos need me in this moment.

Cross posted at You Just Never Know

If Only I had Followed my own advice yesterday. This One's on Letting Go.

2009-01-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a hard day for me. No particular reason except I was willing to think through and admit some things that needed letting go. I find that whole idea a hard thing because it feels so much like giving up instead of anything positive. It was an emotional day. An exhausting day. A praying day. A confessing day. Of course, I did the dishes and took care of my kids and a few loads of laundry, made baked chicken for supper as well, but at the heart of it, it was a hard day.

And you know what I wish? I wish I would have taken my own advice. I'm using Oswald Chambers' writing as a starting point for my devotional reading this year. And yesterday's entry, had I read it yesterday, would have been a 'spot-on' encouragement for me in all that I was trying to work through. Lesson learned.

Mr. Chambers used the story of Abraham and Isaac to show us how God reveals himself not as a God who necessarily DEMANDS us to give up our life physically as a sacrifice for him (although that is part of the willingness in discipleship and many people do this every day), but that God expects us as His Followers to experience the sacrifice through death that gives us a glimpse into what Jesus did for us.

DOES MY SACRIFICE LIVE?
"And Abraham built an altar . . and bound Isaac his son." Genesis 22:9
This incident is a picture of the blunder we make in thinking that the final thing God wants of us is the sacrifice of death. What God wants is the sacrifice through death which enables us to do what Jesus did, that is, sacrifice our lives. Not - "Lord, I am ready to go with You...to death" (Luke 22:33). But - I am willing to be identified with Your death so that I may sacrifice my life to God.

We seem to think that God wants us to give up things! God purified Abraham from this blunder, and the same discipline goes on in our lives. God nowhere tells us to give up things for the sake of giving them up. He tells us to give them up for the sake of the only thing worth having - that is, life with Himself. It is a question of loosening the bands that hinder the life, and immediately those bands are loosened by identification with the death of Jesus, we enter into a relationship with God whereby we can sacrifice our lives to Him.

It is of no value to God to give Him your life for death. He wants you to be a "living sacrifice," to let Him have all your strengths that have been saved and sanctified through Jesus. (Romans 12:1) This is the thing that is acceptable to God.

As I read the Abraham story this morning (a day late, but really, right on time...) It hit me again how many times God asked Abraham to let go of what he knew and the things he desired to follow Him into the uncertain future (at least to Abraham!) and God didn't say "this is how it's going to be for you... follow me and life will be like a cruise in the Mediterranean". I mean, read the WHOLE story of Abraham's life (it's starts in Genesis 12). It's one kerfluffle after another but all the while, Abraham is following God through it. He's never asked until this moment 10 chapters later to give up as much, even though giving up home and land and country is alot.

Isaac was no ordinary son born to two naive young people blissfully embarking on their family planning experience. He was promised from the beginning and Abraham and Sarah believed and laughed in God's face at equal intervals. And then there he was, after all the wishing and hoping and begging and trying to make it on their own, there Isaac was in the flesh, a son to love, and Abraham was asked by God to march up a hill and lay him on the altar. And the crazy guy did it. And God proved that He doesn't want us to give up things for the sake of giving them up, and he doesn't expect us to always understand His ways. He asks us to give up things because we (I) end up setting them , my hopes and dreams I create for myself, on MY OWN ALTAR, rather than allowing the circumstances God has me in to reveal something of Him to me.

Maybe ~ yes, probably ~ I've been worshipping at the altar of my own hopes and dreams rather than giving up what I need to in order to find more of myself in my life with God. I've always believed in a determination that pushes through to dreams fulfilled but that determination is only legitimate if God is actually the fuel ~ the life~ that pushes me through. Only if I want what He wants is that hope legitimate.

God doesn't ask me to let go of things because He's mean and doesn't want me to be happy. He wants me to let go of MY things and dreams so that He can show me the walk down the mountain where you rejoice in the fact you know that you know that you know that God is in THIS.

I am certain that Abraham must have felt an overwhelming sense of living in the presence and will of God as he walked down that mountain with Isaac in his arms. How could he doubt anymore? Maybe that's what I need to embrace... yes, it is. Instead of being sad over the loss of a dream, of not getting exactly what I want, but knowing God has asked me to give up some things so that I might know him better, and that I can in spite of the heartache, know that I live in His presence, that I am in His Will.

On Looking for Balance.

2009-01-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

It seems I took an abrupt halt in my Advent writing. It happens. When life heats up for my family, writing and thoughtful reading takes a back seat. That is something I'm working on and hoping against hope to find more space for in the near future. I had alot more to say but I will say this, God is good and He truly is "God With Us" and was with us throughout all our Advent and Christmas celebrations. It was a blessed time for me and my family and the true meaning of Love's Pure Light breaking through the darkness of this world was truly evident.

And this year one commitment I've made has been to more disciplined reading even if it is a few minutes a day in order to keep up my thinking on the very real need I have for spiritual growth. I'm reading through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. If you've never done it, I recommend it highly. Each and every day it gives me something to think about and pray about, something that makes a difference and draws me (hopefully) closer in my relationship with God. I hope to talk about some of those things soon. I hope. I long to, actually.

Now on this "balance" thing... that's what I'm looking for? I know that I am a better person, wife, mother, pastor when I am enjoying a more intimate time in my relationship with Christ. But I do not want to pursue it out of guilt in the way I was taught from early on, as in the "you HAVE to read your Bible and pray THIS much each day or you're not Christian"... I want to enjoy it without guilt. And find balance between allowing myself a pass for the times when life overwhelms me and the longed for time with God/prayer time doesn't happen and disciplining myself to make it a priority when it's easier to just ignore it. Balance. That's what I'm looking for.

Soon.

Part of Her.

2008-12-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

In these moments of losing myself in the Mary's joy at the hope of becoming a mother, I've sort of lost myself. I've contemplated over and over what it must feel like to know the pure joy of that time, when you're anticipating the possibilities of what THIS child will bring to your family. I knew that f feeling or a very short period, many years ago. During those weeks of pregnancy, though too few, Hubby and I did alot of dreaming. We had waited for this child, and prayed and hoped and we knew that our prayers were answered. And since it was early on in our journey, and we had followed the doctor-guided steps, endured it all, to get us to this miracle, we basked in it. We weren't worried about what might happen. We trusted, although it might seem without ultimate naivete, that this child would be in our arms, and we waited joyously, secretly and dreamed of what life would be like. We dreamed that if he were a boy, he would have my deep brown eyes and Hubby's curly hair, and we'd let his hair grow to see if it was true. If she were a girl, we dreamed of my bubbly grin and blonde hair, his gentle smile and hazel eyes. We dreamed, about the possibilities of what our child might be like, the intermingling of us together, of our love, of our joy, of His promise.

And as I thought about our Jamie-Noel this week (all the while parenting the two miracles that have joined our family through amazing miracles as well, in the last five years) it's been intertwined with thoughts of Mary and how she might feel anticipating the birth of her son, of God's Son. How would that feel to know you were chosen by God for this special purpose? Would it leave you breathless, or would you just know that God is Good and knew what was best, and well this is life. I can't imagine the just knowing, but maybe she did. I mean, she was visited by an angel and all. Maybe in that revelation came assurance. I've never felt God's assurance of my role as a mother until all was said and done, until the child was born, and papers were signed and we knew for certain our children would never leave. Did she know certainty? Maybe she did.

But then, maybe she didn't. I don't know if she fully realized what was ahead of her, or took things at face value, or even whether or not she was able to enjoy her pregnancy and the fact, that God's child was in her, that she was the caregiver for His Magnificent Gift to the world. I'm trying to understand from my human perspective ~ afterall, Mary is only human too ~ as someone who has longed most of her life to know the joy of pregnancy and all that comes with it. I can imagine that she embraced it, loved her child like any other mother would.

Did she say her words of praise with the joy of knowing of the life within, or did she, like the rest of us who long for His Birth, who anticipate the celebration of This Child, God With Us, born, di she wait and not fully realize until she saw His gentle baby face and heard his coos and cries that blessed night in a cave outside Bethlehem. Did she know before, or like the rest of us, wait and see and then believe?

When did she come to realize fully ~ as in more than from the words of the angel but in the seeping into her soul ~ that not only was Her Child hers to hold and love and care for, but He was God's Child. He was hers and her soon-to-be husband's child here on earth, but He was also a God's as well.

PART OF HEAVEN
Bed of Hay, Earthen floor
Strangers walk through the door
I wanted much more for You
Look at Him, can't you tell
All is fine, All is well
And the Word of the Angel is true

He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of heaven
He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of heaven

By my side every day
Underfoot and in my way
Give me wisdom, I pray, O Lord
He is ours for awhile
Every tear and every smile
Till He's everyone's Child to adore

He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of heaven
He's part of you and He's part of me
He's part of Heaven

~ from the CD This Gift by Gary Chapman
(c) 1992, lyrics by Thom Schuyler/Music by Craig Bickhardt

I heard this song this morning while baking a cake and it hit me in an eerily roundabout way. Jamie-Noel, my precious baby lost, the one I've spent so much time dreaming of, was not only mine, but God's child. And she is where He wants her to be right now. And there's peace in knowing that.

And these two precious loves that I hold and love and care for each day are also His. And He chose me, in a very roundabout way, to be their Momma here on earth. He chose me to be their Momma through all sorts of hard circumstances both in my life and the life of others we love. No, God did not intent them to be my children to raise, but another mothers in the beginning. But then, in the end, God having to send His Only Son to the world, into a manger no less, to live and then to endure the cross, well, I believe that was not God's first plan, but one by His Grace put into place when we fell so hard in our Eden, away from what He really wanted for us.

And just like Mary, I am mother as God's second, albeit equally important, plan. These children are a part of me, and their Daddy, and their other parents, and... God.

And just like Mary, we have been chosen to raise these children to carry out God's plan for the world, in a different way of course, but each one of them, still the hands and feet of Jesus to a world dying in their own Eden. Don't get me wrong... I'm no Mary. And my children are not God made human. But as believers, we have to start seeing ourselves as the extension of God's work made perfect through Christ's life and death and resurrection, or the power of the Gospel will be lost to the world.

Just like me, I can imagine it took Mary to physically see and touch her baby to really know Who He was. And my children, just like Jesus was to Mary, are here for only a little while, and are given into my care to prepare them for their purpose in the world. I pray I'm upto the task.

Heavenly Father ~ I am overwhelmed by the gift of Your Son to our world. And I am overwhelmed by how you chose to save me from all my lostness. Overwhelmed at the thought that your Son died for me. And overwhelmed by the task of all that you've called me to. May I know YOUR joy, the joy you intended for me, each and every day. I want to live always longing for more of you, and I pray for wisdom to know when You speak, I must act, both as I raise my family and as I share Christ through my own life. You have created us a part of you, and that overwhelms me too. Please God, let me know your Joy. Amen.

O Come.

2008-12-09T14:16:00.001-08:00

This week is traditionally the time of Advent when we consider Joy.

I've practically been lost in The Magnificat, the song of praise Mary, the expecting mother of Jesus. This passage of Scripture found in the first chapter of the Gospel of Luke moves me every time I read it (which frankly is not often enough).

Luke 1:45 are the words of her older cousing Elizabeth who is also, hope against hope, for she was barren, and miracle of miracles, for she was getting up there in years, was finally pregnant. Mary came to visit her and Elizabeth, upon Mary's arrival, felt her own child leap in her womb. She longed for a child and her prayers were answered.

And Elizabeth knew. She knew about Mary because the Holy Spirit live in her. Elizabeth, who is described as a woman who lived blameless, knew. And she said, "Mary, you are blessed ~ or maybe, will be blessed ~ because you believed that the words of the LORD would be fulfilled".

And in response, Mary's words, a beautiful hymn of praise to God found in Luke 1...

My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant.
Surely from now on all generations will call me blessed
for the Mighty One has done great things for me.
His mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
He has brought down the powerful from their thrones and lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
and sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy,
according to the promise he made to our ancestors, to Abraham
and to his descendants forever.

There are so many reasons why Mary's words mean so much to me, reasons that have formed over the years. First, Mary praises so innocently and simply, basking in the promises of her Lord. I don't know if she's endured any hard thing before this major turn of events ~ getting pregnant out of wedlock a big deal here. She is very young by our standards.

Her words are innocent and simple but are fully loaded with understanding. She's not blind to what is happening to her, although I can't imagine that she understands it all. She longs for things to be made right in the world, just like everyone else does, and sees herself, finally, as a possible conduit for bringing justice to the world. That is something to rejoice! To know you lived blessed because God has asked for your help to bring about his plan of deliverance... that blessing is not something we all covet, as I imagine it for her, and I know it for me, to be not entirely free of struggle. But she is living in hope, and joyful that this day is come. I don't believe that she could know all that would happen to her, to her Son, but she was trusting here, that God would do His thing, that God would keep His promises. So she praised!

Not only are her words simple and innocent, the are prophetic. A woman prophet... gasp! For all those who think that God does not and will not use women in speaking His Words to His people, they better consider how Mary's praise is prophecy. She is telling all of us what Jesus, even as he is still a tiny babe nesting in her womb, was about to do. Again, did she completely understand it all? Probably not. I'm not sure any prophet understands every word he or she is asked to bring, but she spoke them with boldness and joy. She is a prophet, and she speaks about justice more than anything. And I firmly believe that only through justice, and knowing we are working to bring God's Kingdom to this world, and therefore, a more just world to this earth, only through justice can we truly find JOY.

And Mary's audience is not lost on me either. She is singing to her barren cousin and confidant. Yeah, Elizabeth may be "with child" but she is barren. Elizabeth I am certain knows longing and it is this exact longing, that of a child to hold and to love, to nurture and to cherish, that makes me feel this all so very much. There is nothing just about barrenness, about who gets to be a parent and who doesn't, but GOD IS JUST. And that has taught me, even though I rarely am able to express this yet, that joy comes in the realizing that God's justice does and will bring what we need in our lives, but more importantly, through us He will bring what the world ~ the bigger picture, the stuff bigger than my own barrenness ~ needs. He has chosen us, just like He chose Mary, to bring His love and life to the world. Therein lies the joy.

There is joy even in the longing. Mary says it in her words. She's not saying "this has happened" but "look at what God has put into motion! The possibilities are His and endless because He keeps His Promises and He promised to deliver us from the injustice in the world."

And that makes me cry even louder as I long for His birth to happen in my life yet again... O COME! And Let Us Rejoice!

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel...Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyrannyF
rom depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel... Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel...Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel...Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel...Shall come to thee, O Israel.
~ Latin hymn, 12th century

O Come!

For to Us a Child is Born.

2008-12-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;
those who lived in a land of deep darkness—
on them light has shined.

You have multiplied the nation, you have increased its joy;
they rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest,
as people exult when dividing plunder.

For the yoke of their burden, and the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor,
you have broken as on the day of Midian.

For all the boots of the tramping warriors
and all the garments rolled in blood
shall be burned as fuel for the fire.

For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders;
and he is named...
Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God,
Everlasting Father
Prince of Peace.

His authority shall grow continually,
and there shall be endless peace
for the throne of David and his kingdom.
He will establish and uphold it with justice
and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.

~ Isaiah 9: 2-7 (NRSV)

The Advent Season mark a time of hope and longing. As much as the lights shine bright on our Christmas Tree, which is up for the sake of our kids, my heart lives in the dark longing of wanting the Peace promised by the coming of our Savior.

As much as I live in hope, it is always a longing, alongside the knowing, that Our Hope has come and IS coming, not by any other means EXCEPT the child in a manger.

Sometimes God seems far away, like now, as our family lives under a cloud of sickness. We long for God's protection akin to a bubble to be able to fully feel the possibilities of the Season to come. But this sickness, I guess, is here, for whatever reason... maybe it's to increase the longing, as I know that with health comes a more full experience of the hope that comes from Him. When the pall of feeling sick leaves, life seems brighter, so even in this time of longing, I am working to embrace the sick and trust God's light to shine regardless.

That is hope... and in that HOPE, and only THAT hope, the Hope that only Christ can bring, is where I can and will find my PEACE, now and always. God may seem far away right now, but this hope bring the anticipation of a King who will bring peace and justice and righteousness, finally and wholly, into the world.

Let there be PEACE on earth... that is my hope.

Sometimes It's Enough To Make Me Wonder Why...

2008-11-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

but I won't.

I won't wonder why.

I won't do it.

I won't.

I could go into all the things that could make me wonder why but I won't do that either.

Instead I choose to trust...

That God is in control.

That He cares about my well-being.

That I may not have all I want but He knows what we need.

That He wants to best for our family and has a plan to get us there.

That He knows the future.

That praying will bring the unexpected and more than I could imagine.

That His Grace is Enough.

That His mercy covers me and is new every morning.

That He is faithful, far more than I can fathom.

That He will protect us from the forces that want to stop us.

That all I need to do is love... love God, love my neighbor.

And just not wonder why.

Simple Grace

2008-11-27T13:25:00.000-08:00

Be thankful for the smallest blessings
and you will deserve to receive greater.
Value the least gifts no less than the greatest,
and simple graces as especial favors.
If you remember the dignity of the Giver,
no gift will seem small or mean,
for nothing can be valueless
that is given by the most high God.

- Thomas a Kempis

The Art of Contentment... or something like that...

2008-11-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

I'm crossposting something that came pouring out of me, and took all sorts of twists and turns over at my other blog. It's worthy of this blog too, but I'll just post a link as the kiddos are looking for their lunch.

May you live blessed today...

The Art of Contentment

Sometimes, it's Square One.

2008-11-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a person can talk about praying first and then expecting whatever God brings. Yeah, a girl can talk about it but then, you know, it gets hard and can get forgetful in the middle of all sorts of stuff, forgetful about praying and expecting and all that. And that is when a girl, this girl, has to decide to go back to square one and start again.

Some of Jesus' most influential words, right in the middle of The Sermon on the Mount Matthew 6 :24ff) are these...

No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other;
you will be devoted to one and despise the other.
You cannot serve both God and money.

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—
whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear.
Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?

Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns,
for your heavenly Father feeds them.
And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow.
They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory
was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today
and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.

Why do you have so little faith?

So don't worry about these things, saying,
'What will we eat?
What will we drink?
What will we wear?'

These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers,
but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously,
and he will give you everything you need.

So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
Today's trouble is enough for today.

I read these words, words that I practically have memorized for all the times I have come back again and again to remind myself of them, the assurance of faith that He has it all in control, and the reality that my job here isn't to create anything more than a secure nest egg in order to survive, and that trusting God to do the unexpected will take care of the rest. We work hard with what we have and then, we trust God will use our efforts and he will take care of us, just like the birds and the lilies.

I am humbled because every time I take my eyes off the real prize, that of HIS KINGDOM, and nothing else, that is when the worry begins for me. The minute I put my hands around things and start to work them out myself is when I forget that He's going to take care of me, even if it isn't how I expected. And when I start worrying about this or that, whether it be my health or our savings or whether or not 'this or that' will happen as we planned, when I worry, I am always, always, always not praying first about it.

So it's back to square one... (Psalm 46.)

God is MY refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
So I will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
All I have to do is as he says, "Be still. Know that I am God!"

He is God! He is God! Why do I think I have to take over from God??? Why???

Be still and know that he is God. Seek first His Kingdom. He'll give us what we need. He'll help in times of trouble. He will. I pray. He works. And it is so.

That's square one.

Some Thoughts on Thanksgiving...

2008-11-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

I hope to do a little writing this week about Thanksgiving (hope is the key word!!!) but for tonight, check out my post from today on my family life blog. Check it out!

A Song of Thanksgiving

2008-11-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

Let All Things Now Living

Words: Katherine K. Davis, b1892

Music: “The Ash Grove”, a traditional Welsh melody.

Let all things now living a song of thanksgiving

To God the creator triumphantly raise.

Who fashioned and made us, protected and stayed us,

Who still guides us on to the end of our days.

God’s banners are o’er us, His light goes before us,

A pillar of fire shining forth in the night.

Till shadows have vanished and darkness is banished

As forward we travel from light into light.

His law he enforces, the stars in their courses

And sun in its orbit obediently shine;

The hills and the mountains, the rivers and fountains,

The deeps of the ocean proclaim him divine.

We too should be voicing our love and rejoicing;

With glad adoration a Song let us raise

Till all things now living unite in thanksgiving:

“To God in the highest, Hosanna and praise!”

Living Expecting the Unexpected.

2008-11-19T17:37:00.001-08:00

I talked a little about the discipline of praying without ceasing yesterday. What I didn't talk about was the hard part of it all... expecting an answer and then trusting Him with what He says. That is something I'm not very good at, at least not yet.

I'm a planner. It's engrained in my being to work towards making the next thing happen. I've been accused at times (whether right or wrong) at being discontent and driven. Those seem so very negative to me. I see myself (whether right or wrong) as more in the determined category. I know that hard work can get you there and sometimes you have to plow through and get it done, even if it's exhausting, even if it leaves you feeling powerless, and yes, even if you don't get the results you want. That's just me. And I think it has served me...and our family well as I've had to push through some hard stuff in my life... pastoring a congregation while going through the personal trial of infertility... the whole adoption process with how out of my hands it was... moving away from all the people who knew me well and making a new life in a new country with a new husband... those things and many more, are well, examples of my determination to make something happen, move forward, sometimes with costs, but always with good intent.

So that's me. I'm a planner. But this praying thing and sitting back and letting God work it out, and then accepting HIS answer and THE answer, in spite of wanting another way... well, that's a new thing... and new way of thinking, and takes a new style of determination to make it happen. Being hands off and letting Him have control is not natural for me (for anyone???) so this praying expectantly is tough work.

Seek the Lord while he may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near;

Let the wicked forsake their way,
And let the unrighteous their thoughts;
Let them return to the LORD, that He may have mercy upon them,
and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are my ways your ways, says the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways
And my thoughts than your thoughts.

~ Isaiah 55: 6-9 (NRSV)

Wowzers. Here He says directly to me,

Tammy, I love you, and I made you a determined woman. And I am grateful, my dear child, that you work so hard, coming alongside me, never giving up when trials hit, always working through

But Tammy, remember this... You don't know it all. And you don't have to know it all. Tell me what you need. I'll deal with it. Pray. Relate to me. Let's get to know each other better by talking together.

And I promise, if you let me, I'll give you MORE than what you can even imagine in our beautifully created, but woefully human mind. You pray. I'll answer and Tammy, you can't imagine... you CANNOT imagine what I have in store for you. You don't think like I think. I see it all...hear it all...feel it all. I know your needs better than you do. And I will do even more than what you ask. You may not expect it, and you may not understand , but 'my ways are not your ways...my thoughts are not your thoughts'.

Tammy, put aside the ways you take over and do things your way. Let me answer in my own time, by my own way, and I promise that 'I will have mercy on you. I promise. All you have to do is pray. And expect the unexpected.

I love you, oh Child of Mine.

Your Heavenly Father

Oh, what a comforting way to live. But wow... it's hard. It's hard to let go and walk this way without pushing or prodding or trying to figure it all out. But hopefully, I'm savoring the process, knowing that God has it figured out so I don't have to. I just have to let him answer His way and expect the unexpected.

Pray First.

2008-11-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

This is my new thing... and wow, is it ever a discipline to do. I've never been good at the "up early, down on your knees, formal" kind of praying. I get all guilt-ridden over my inability to stay awake or even know what to say except the "God bless so and so" or the "God help..." So what I'm doing is praying myself to sleep. Between that and praying through my Little Man's temper tantrums or for peace when it's all too much, well, it is amazing how God puts people on my heart in the middle of the night.

You see, I don't sleep all that well for a whole lot of reasons. So I find myself falling asleep, and often. So I pray as I fall to sleep... counting my blessings, asking expectantly, offering gratitude, pouring out my heart, asking healing on friends who are sick or dying or in depression, asking for guidance and wisdom, praising.

And it's working. It's becoming habit and that is what I long for more than anything, to be a woman who prays out of habit, not out of crisis. And in this time when my ministry role is behind the scenes... his wife, their mother... this HAS to be MY job.

So I pray. And then expect His answers, the ones He gives me, whatever the answers are, to be right... and right on time.

Pray without ceasing.

Ahhh...she speaks.

2008-11-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

A couple people have wondered where I've been. Here, it truly has been awhile. I find that I don't have enough time to actually write down what I'm thinking. On my other blog, I took an unplanned hiatus due to many factors, which include a need to stay silent for my own sake and sanity, and for the sake of friendships, two amazingly creative and energetic children who seem to need my undivided attention, and the wonderful Fall weather that lured me away from anything related to the indoors.

Here... it's been for other reasons. Namely a lack of discipline in finding the time to actually do the spiritual work in my personal life that I crave. It feels as if I fail at every try, and in doing so, I am not able to be the wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, and most importantly, the Child of God I long to be. It is Thanksgiving Season, a time to live grateful more than ever before, both in recognizing all the blessings I have receive, both seen and unseen, and in actively living in response to what I have received. I sometimes am not very good at that at all.

But for today, a new start (I hope!) I live grateful and leave you with these words...

Getting it absolutely right is God's job.
- from These High Green Hills by Jan Karon

Truer words have never been spoken.

What a relief to hear.

I have more to say. Hopefully soon.

The Life of the Party and The Discipline of Celebration

2007-10-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice!

~ Phil 4 ~

I've been working through John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted recently and I have to say that maybe, finally some of it is sinking in. I put it that way because this is my third, maybe even fourth time through the book. The general gist of the book is about practicing Christianity and the disciplines that go with it. Only Pastor Ortberg's take on things is so gentle, one can actually see the possible benefits of the "disciplines" and how they can make a different in growing stronger in a relationship with Christ.

I shared on You Just Never Know (for those who may be finding this blog first, it's my home, where I've been writing and my life and hope for 2 1/2 years now) about an experiment on this discipline I did just last night. It started out as an attempt to understand my dear, precious 3 1/2 year old daughter better, and turned into me recognizing that most of the time, my mind and heart doesn't automatically turn to joy anymore, not like it used to. I guess I've let the hard things become my focus and not the joy that almost always surrounds the tough times of life, if in fact, we are willing to consider that maybe, just maybe there might be something to look at in the sky besides the black hole of heartache. There's lotto stars out there I say...Why not look at them?

And that experience of last eve brought back to mind this chapter of Pastor Ortberg's book, the discipline he actually speaks of first, that of Celebration. Celebration as discipline? What in the...???? Yeah, that's what I thought. My first thought when I saw the title the first time around was more like "hey, I work hard to stay disciplined so that I could get things done otherwise my leanings towards being a girl who just wants to have fun would take over. House would be a mess. Kids would be dirty and unclothed. Bills wouldn't get paid. And on and on and on... Discipline Baby. Not the party.

But wait... if the words of Paul that I've quoted at the beginning of this post are truly ordained from the mouth of God then... what in the world is wrong with a little joy around?

That is the ultimate question. Pastor Ortberg quotes Lewis Smedes, another favorite author saying this:

To miss out on joy is to miss out on the reason for your existence.

Wow. Um, pretty blunt. I'm not existing as the human I was created to be if I'm not experiencing joy. Wow. That hurts.

But why does it hurt? Mostly maybe because if I am to believe that I was created to be a joyful person, then why all the heartache, grief and pain that is a part of being human as well? If joy is IT, then why make it hard to experience it?

Ortberg even goes on to say very plainly that "joylessness is a SERIOUS sin" and the one that is most often tolerated by the church. That too, big OUCH. If experiencing joy is the reason I exist and is in fact, the most serious of sins, then why does it seem so elusive?

My answer is one that honestly, is pretty tough to admit. Truth is, maybe I don't experience much joy in my life (and believe me, God has given me a multitude of wonderful blessings to celebrate) is because I have made my grief and pain a trophy. Instead of celebrating God's goodness and his strength to lift me up through all the tough stuff, I want to hang on without help so I have something to complain about, something to hold up and say "here, look at me...I hurt! Or... lookie here, you hurt me!" And sometimes the grief trophy is thrust towards heaven with shouts to God of "YOU DO THIS TO ME!!! And I'm gonna stay mad at you for as long as I like, thank you very much!"

Don't get me wrong. Pain is real. Loss is real. And it hurts on so many levels and we do have to grieve for it all. We have to feel it. But for me, I've broken down in the middle of it all, and most of the time, even if it's not intentional because I'm not looking back at God with eyes wide open...I only see the shadows around the heaviness that clouds my true vision, I don't much further that to see the pain, and not the joy that surrounds the whole of the experience of living on this earth as a child of God.

I've lived for a long time believing that for the most part, every experience in life has two sides. At least in my life. And right now, and in the last several months (or dare I say years...ouch once more...) I've lived focusing not on the sweet, only the bitter. I have lived saddened by the experiences I have thought were withheld or the prayers I have deemed unanswered instead of rejoicing in the very experiences and answered prayers that have given my the pile of blessings, two of who are napping snug in their wee beds right now, another on a rooftop somewhere earning a living and .... (on and on... you get the picture... I'll have to save for another day the "count your blessings" post!)

Joy is necessary and I need to take the practice of it VERY seriously. I need to be disciplined about basking in the joy of each situation, arrange my life so that my joy is my strength and the joy of the Lord overwhelms me with power.

And I need to start now. I need to live knowing that the situation of my life, hard as it may or may not be by anyone's standards may not change for awhile, or ever. We may not ever feel settled. I may not ever be able to live a day without pain in my body. But I'm alive today. And from somewhere... Lord, help me, and that is a prayer... has to come a defiant spirit that says "I will live in joy, not sadness. I will experience joy, not resentment. I will make room for joy, not let the joy of any experience pass me by... I will..."

This is the day that the Lord has made.
I will rejoice and be glad in it.
~ Psalm 118:24 ~

Celebrate.
Starting Now.

Well... I've already tried it today. It was a disciplined act but I did it anyway. This morning, I'm mopping the floor. Gotta have a clean floor you know. Kids are not happy because Momma is mopping the floor. And all the while, trying to get lunch going. Then Bug hollers, "look Momma a bird!" In a split decision I made a decision to go, be with her, and look at the bird. It was a blue bird, one that has been back and forth from our front to backyard from early Spring. Beautiful. And now that the trees are bare, she can't hide from us. We sat there together at the front window for a couple minutes, just watching the bird, silently watching together. Then she flew away and I said "where is she going". And Bug said, "I'm sure she has to go get lunch ready. Or maybe mop the floor." Gulp...sigh...that's what Momma bird's do I guess, in Bug's eyes. So this Momma Bird has decided to slow down when she can and just be with her Baby Birds. And celebrate their lives with them.

Celebrate.
Starting Now.

A Prayer for Autumn

2007-10-11T12:00:00.001-07:00

Leaves falling. Daylight diminishing. Cold creeping in.

I pray...

God, I see the cycle of the seasons.
Summer ends and runs into fall,
which gives way to LONG winter,
and then spring.
Autumn is a season of change -
and it reminds me that I are changing too.
Things I used to need I may need no longer.
Help me throw off those things that hold me down,
so I might become something new.
This is a time when there is an explosion of color,
and then it starts to get cold again.
This is part of life.
Help me understand
I cannot live in summer forever.
I cannot be growing
like a garden in the spring all the time.
I am made to change
and this season is part of it.
Let me welcome the change.
Let me see the beauty of your earth
as it prepares to speel in the wintertime.
Let me embrace this time of change and become something new.
Amen.

~ adapted (to make it more personal) from "The Book of Uncommon Prayer" by Steven L. Case

A New Start????

2007-10-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

Wow. Almost a year since I've posted here. I'm hoping to start again, just because I need to. For me. My place to post the sacred findings in my readings, in my ruminations, in my dreams. And if someone comes and finds me here, so be it. May God bless them. I need this... a place for sacred thoughts about every day things. And I'm hoping that this new start, like the one I am perpetually working toward (isn't each day a new chance?) in my own life will bring peace, joy and hope.

Here we go...

On the Way to the Manger

2006-12-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

I think we get lost, or rushed. I don't know which. But alot of times I find myself trying to take a deep breath in the middle of the Christmas Eve Service and then, and only then, realize how much I haven't prepared myself for this moment... the celebration of when God came to earth the first time. I'm trying really hard this year not to find myself in that place but in another... one where a prepared heart and mind at peace can completely bask in the Silent Night of it all.

So I'm looking at some of the events that happened on the way to the manger.

Starting with the generations before...

~ Matthew 1 ~
The Ancestors of Jesus the Messiah:

1 This is a record of the ancestors of Jesus the Messiah, a descendant of David and of Abraham:

Abraham was the father of Isaac.
Isaac was the father of Jacob.
Jacob was the father of Judah and his brothers.
Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah (whose mother was Tamar).
Perez was the father of Hezron.
Hezron was the father of Ram.
Ram was the father of Amminadab.
Amminadab was the father of Nahshon.
Nahshon was the father of Salmon.
Salmon was the father of Boaz (whose mother was Rahab).
Boaz was the father of Obed (whose mother was Ruth).
Obed was the father of Jesse.
Jesse was the father of King David.

David was the father of Solomon (whose mother was Bathsheba, the widow of Uriah).
Solomon was the father of Rehoboam.
Rehoboam was the father of Abijah.
Abijah was the father of Asa.
Asa was the father of Jehoshaphat.
Jehoshaphat was the father of Jehoram.
Jehoram was the father of Uzziah.
Uzziah was the father of Jotham.
Jotham was the father of Ahaz.
Ahaz was the father of Hezekiah.
Hezekiah was the father of Manasseh.
Manasseh was the father of Amon.
Amon was the father of Josiah.
Josiah was the father of Jehoiachin and his brothers (born at the time of the exile to Babylon).

After the Babylonian exile:
Jehoiachin was the father of Shealtiel.
Shealtiel was the father of Zerubbabel.
Zerubbabel was the father of Abiud.
Abiud was the father of Eliakim.
Eliakim was the father of Azor.
Azor was the father of Zadok.
Zadok was the father of Akim.
Akim was the father of Eliud.
Eliud was the father of Eleazar.
Eleazar was the father of Matthan.
Matthan was the father of Jacob.
Jacob was the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary.

Mary gave birth to Jesus, who is called the Messiah.

Wow... that's quite a list. And really, who cares? Some cool names yeah, a little bit of history, okay, but why write about this?

There are a few things that make this passage of Scripture ~ that comes just before Matthew's shorter version of the Nativity ~ significant.

First, the original hearers Of Matthew were most likely Jewish and well it mattered to them that Jesus be connected to their heritage. But still, it would have seemed kinda fake, wouldn't it? This list is Joseph's ancestry!!! Who cares?!?!?! I mean, Joseph isn't really the father of Jesus. Who cares about his ancestry? Well... if you know me at all, know my story, I would find this amazingly wonderful as I work to find ways to explain what a blessed thing adoption is to my own children, the kids to whom I am really Mother. Since God the Father couldn't be here physically to take care of His Son, he chose a man of honor, a man with some credentials if you look at this list of names and know the way God worked in the lives of all those listed, know their stories. Joseph is a descendant of all the big guys... Abraham, Isaac, David... so this gives Jesus "legal" lineage to be a King. (Well, so does Mary's... she also descended from David, just another way) And yet, even with this, in real life, he was just a simple carpenter making a living and loving a woman named Mary. He chose to believe God's messenger when he said "it's okay" and love her in spite of the scandal it caused.

He is a man of honor, and great earthly father for our beloved Lord. He adopted Jesus in a sense, loved him as his own. That says huge things about what God says about blood lines. Of course they matter, but what really matters to a little child is a present, physical parent in the home. God blessed adoption as he makes IT the avenue of providing his ONLY Son with a family on earth.

And I don't know if you noticed the names of women in the list. I do. Women??? In a genealogy? I thought it was only the men that counted. But.... not so much in Jesus' ancestry. There are four women named ~ Tamar, Ruth, Rahab, Bathsheba ~ and again, to the original hearers this might have seemed strange. Women didn't really matter in the whole lineage thing. Why would Matthew name them? Did it matter? And look at the kind of women they are.

Tamar, she wasn't even a Jew (Canaanite, ack!) driven to prostitution (Gen 38). In fact, when Judah found out she was pregnant, he wanted to kill her to cover up his own sin. Throught THIS line, Jesus came.

Or Ruth... she too, was not a Jew (her story has a book all its own) but married one, and then stuck by her mother-in-law and ended up marrying Boaz... yet another link in his lineage. And

Rahab (Joshua 2ff), a temple priestess who conducted "worship" for men by using her sexuality. But for some reason, she decided to protect some Jewish spies, was saved from the fall of Jericho and married... yeah, you guessed it... into the lineage that would bring the world Jesus.

Bathsheba, well, she is the stolen queen. David lusted after her and to get her, he had her husband killed. (2 Samuel 12: 24, 25).

All these women, all foreigners, all with sordid stories... they tell me that God wants us all, no matter where we come from, no matter what we've done. He can use us and he sent Jesus to earth, through these people FOR US.

It's more than a bunch of names... it's the Way to the Manger.

Our God Comes

2006-12-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

The virgin will be with child
and will give birth to a son,

And they will call him Immanuel ~
which means, "God with us."

You who brings good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.

You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,

Lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,

"Here is your God!"

~ Matthew 1:23; Isaiah 40:9

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lowly exile here

Until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!

Lil Ole Me...

2006-11-30T12:45:00.000-08:00

From Psalm 18...

For the choir director: A psalm of David, the servant of the LORD. He sang this song to the LORD on the day the LORD rescued him from all his enemies and from Saul. He sang:

I love you, LORD; you are my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.

I called on the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.

But in my distress I cried out to the LORD.
Yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary.
My cry to him reached his ears.

THEN...

The earth quaked and trembled.
The foundations of the mountains shook.
They quaked because of his anger.
Smoke poured from his nostrils.
Fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
Glowing coals blazed forth from him.
He opened the heavens and came down.
Dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.

The LORD thundered from heaven.
The voice of the Most High resounded amid the hail.
His lightning flashed... and then...

He reached down from heaven and rescued me.
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me.
He led me to a place of safety.
He rescued me because he delights in me.

Me? Lil ole me?
He sees my distress.
He hears my cries.
He comes thundering from heaven.
His brilliance breaks through the clouds. Lightning.

He reaches down from heaven and rescues me. Lil ole me.
He draws me out of the water.
He leads me to a safe place.
He rescues me. Lil ole me.

Because he delights in me. Lil ole me.

"In Everything, Give Thanks"

2006-11-22T16:47:00.000-08:00

I've taken some time today to think about this.... "in everything, give thanks" (1 Thess. 5:18).

in... this little word doesn't mean "after" or "when it all makes sense"... it means while it is happening. I am so not good at this. THat means when my foot hurts and the kids are screaming and Hubby isn't home yet, and I'm exhausted and it's three hours til... give thanks? Really??? In the middle of everything, whatever is happening, I should be willing to give thanks.

everything... does this mean what I think it does? How is this possible? In everything? Even when... my baby has an unknown future because of things that happened before I ever met him. Or when my sweet niece or the son of a friend aren't here with us when they should be. Or when a little guy has cancer. Or, or, or... how does it look and feel to be thankful in every situation?

give... this one I get, maybe. God doesn't beg us to give him glory for anything. It is our response to his goodness, in spite of what we see as tough circumstances in which we find ourselves. Giving happens when there's no expectation that you'll get, and no, absolutely no expectation that in the gift, you'll get something in return.

thanks... what is it, really? This is what I want to find out. We talk about giving thanks, showing gratitude, but really, what does it mean to live with an underlying gratitude for all that we have...

In Everything Give Thanks... this is how I want to live. But how?

Day One

2006-11-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided. I need a place in the middle of the common, everyday things to find some sacred space. Why here? Well, I come here. I write. It's what I do in times when I get a minute to breathe. And I want to breathe. And rest. And learn. And know that God, the God I trust to the very depths, is speaking and even more, that I am listening. So here I am. I don't know where this is heading but I do know... He will meet me here, to help me in ...

Finding Sacred in the Common Things